If you thought that, fuck you too. I just moved into my dorm a week ago, and the week has been so thoroughly scheduled, I'm surprised I haven't seen this on it:
Friday, 11:15 - Pour liquid happiness into shot glass
Friday, 11:16 - Drink the shot
Friday, 11:20 - Drink second shot of the night
Friday, 11:25 - Drink third shot, making a remark that it "isn't strong enough for you"
Friday, 11:28 - After being convinced by friends and sheer bravado, down shots 4-afuckton in quick succession
Friday, 11:29 - Expel liquid happiness in the form of violent projectile vomiting.
Friday, 11:40 - Apologize to trashcan.
No, really, this shit is insane. There's like 10 minute breaks in between bullshit, but I've avoided some of it. Like the First Year Convocation. Which, incidentally, sounds kind of mandatory, but how the fuck would I know? I wasn't there.
So, I'm going to keep this update a bit short (Yeah right) because there's other things to do. But I will nonetheless provide with a short version of funny things that have happened this week.
Monday evening picnic.
Holy fucking shit. I sat around with some of the dullest people ever. It was fucking uncanny. I tried pushing conversation a couple of times (and, to the credit of some of the people who subsequently joined us, so did they), but holy damn. After a while of awkward, uncomfortable silence, I piped in with my lighthearted, superfungoodtimes humor.
NeoAegis> So... how 'bout dem apples?
DullestIdiotEver> Uhh... there aren't any apples here...
NeoAegis> (under my breath) Holy fucking shit, I want to throttle you.
How fucking stupid does someone have to be to not notice the BLATANT sarcasm? Does he think I have no eyes or such shitty observational skills that I can't fucking tell there aren't any fucking apples in the vicinity? Dear christ.
Thursday information session.
The guys in charge of the information session look sullen and as if they have a better place to be. Not a single person out of the the 10 or so people smile. Not for a second. Just no.
Here's the kicker: the information session? It was about student involvement.
Thursday Tour.
NeoAegis is like a kid in a candy store when touring the physics lab, makes a quip about picking up chicks with the physics demonstrations. People take it seriously, I rue humanity.
Friday "comedian."
Oh. My. God.
The guy was the most offensive, tasteless, borderline racist douchebag. This is coming from a guy whose jokes are tasteless, offensive, and sometimes racist.
I... I really just can't qualify my statement properly because my mind is trying so very hard to block out all memory of those misspent hours. Suffice it to say that, even disregarding all the tasteless, offensive stuff, he sucked just from sheer principle. I know it's okay for comedians to draw a joke from way back when they started their act, but this guy used the same joke twice in a span of five minutes. Not even a permutation of it; it was essentially the same thing. Verbatim. How badly can you suck at your job?
This is it for now, tune in again when I give a shit.
August 23, 2008
Holy shit, the damn slacker is posting something!
June 22, 2008
Stupidity on cable 1
Everyone knows there are stupid things on Tv. I mean, look at Jackass, or any "reality" tv show. Who the fuck wants to watch reality tv anyways? You can go outside and actually experience reality, and one that, quite frankly, has a bigger probability of being entertaining. If you're one of the people who has to live vicariously through reality tv, you're probably better off killing yourself. Or at the very least cut off your testicles so there's no chance of your boring, stupid spawn plaguing the earth.
Speaking of the Earth, some dipshit scientist was talking about it the other day in some discovery channel. Can't be arsed to remember which one. Anyways, Dipshit Scientist was talking about that comic idea of being able to dig a hole and popping out of the ground in China. He was saying all these things about how cool that would be, and how great a method of transport it would be since you'd spend no energy in getting to the other side of the Earth, just let gravity take care of it!
What?
I understand he's talking about this fancifully, but that's a fucking retarded idea because, even if the trans-earth hole was feasible, it wouldn't work like that. Gravity would indeed help as you're falling, but then you would fucking stop when you reached the center of the earth. Then gravity would be a hindrance, and your idea just looks a hell of a lot more stupid. And then you need to actually spend energy be to able to beat gravity and make it to the other side, unless of course you enjoy spending the rest of your days in the Earth's molten core. Dipshits.
-----------
The other night I was watching tv late at night. Whoever watches tv into one in the morning or so knows that you start seeing all these ads as you're slowly inching towards informercial time. You see all these commercials for talking to women, talking to men, making your unit bigger, etcetera.
This one commercial featured some stupid slut talking about testosterone and male performance in bed. Then, a graph was superimposed which was supposed to show how lower testosterone meant lower performance in bed. Unfortunately, their graphics guys can't tell Photoshop from their asshole and mucked up the graph. It was a simple inversely proportional graph, and they had the decreasing area marked as "Testosterone" while the "blank" area that got bigger was marked "Performance." I know what they were trying to say, but it is still a fucking stupid mistake to make. Way to go, morons.
June 20, 2008
"Welcome to the movie theater"
Hey, it's been a bit of a hiatus, hasn't it? Well, I've got a neat computer now, so the strike is officially over. I also just got back from seeing Get Smart, which was a pretty good movie, but enough of the trivialties.
I like movies. I'm not a film buff, but I know what I like. I like the theater atmosphere, the dim lights, big screen, decently comfortable seats. I'm fortunately also enough of a egocentric dick to not bother looking around the theater to see all the prepubescent morons making out. It's not that I don't understand the hormonal impulse, but goddamn, dim lights isn't enough to make a theater sexy. What about all the fucking gum and trash on the floor? Come on, people.
Anyways, despite being able to ignore the idiots, there is something that is far more difficult to ignore: the ads.
Why the fuck are there ads in a theater? Don't we get enough of this shit on tv? Radio? On every possible outlet until our brains explode from the sheer volume of trash they are pushing on us?
To be quite frank, I wouldn't nearly mind the ads as much if they were at least entertaining. But they were cliche and unfunny and comparable to a horse's runny shits.
The worst offender was, by far, the cellphone ads. There was one that had the format of a mock movie preview, with some blonde bitch. She was all bitchy because she couldn't figure out what fucking song was playing. She keeps asking all these dipshits what song is currently playing, but they are stuck too far up their own asses to know shit (one even proposed to her; seriously, who would even be able to go out with whoreface without being sucked into her vacuous skull due to pressure difference?).
Finally, she comes across this black guy who has a cellphone with HOLY SHIT MUSIC ID. She figures out the song is by fucking Paramour, and then she re-does all her scenes, except she's dancing like a fucking psycho bitch.
Then there was an ad (again in mock movie preview format because it's so creative and not at all lame) which, quite frankly, earned some points just for being honest. First thing, your balls are treated to superimposed text saying "NO PLOT." No shit? It's a fucking cellphone ad, whatever plot you have can be summed up as "We're greedy assholes." It even announces that it's just some lame product placement. I really wasn't sure if they were making fun of themselves, but I'm going to do it too anyways because they were still pissing me off.
The worst cellphone ad has a bunch of dipshits that walk around in an "everyday" setting using all the "neat" and "innovative" features of their cellphones. They show off a bunch of shit, most of which I can't be bothered to remember. However, I remember one being some dipshit watching a movie on his cellphone, which is fucking ridiculous, because who wants to watch a movie in teeny-weeny eye-strain-o vision. Whatever, that wasn't the bad part of the ad, despite how irritating it is by itself. No, the real clincher here is when, just after that ad, they replay basically the same thing, except without all the bullshit. They go through all the features of the fucking phone in the same fucking order like their target demographic is a bunch of mouthbreathing morons who can't remember what happened just one fucking minute ago. Fucking incredible.
I'm going to stop now because I think I'm having an aneurysm.
June 15, 2008
May 22, 2008
Primer for the Epic Nights
I don't feel like writing the second Epic Night at the moment, however, I figure I should probably update, so I'm going to post random snippets of conversation that happened during the summer the Epic Nights took place. They will be mostly derived from second-hand conversations, but they will keep their punch, I promise.
Case #1: Once, I was waiting for Golden_God to show up for a long time while I was in a room with several other retards. If I recall correctly, we had stumbled upon these retards before, and thus I approached them by using a different alias, Randomdude01. I had baited them into being friendly with me, though at a price: I was dying. These people were fucking retarded. I held back every comment and replaced it with innoucuous lols, yeahs, and omgs.
Understandably, I scrubbed myself like a rape victim afterwards.
At any rate, Golden_God made it after a while, and I just had to sit back and watch the show. After being insulted for a while, they privatized the room, which made my role all the more important: I had to keep inviting him back to keep up the good times.
I should probably break down the psyches of our targets now.
The first target was XemoxloveX. Our first encounter with her (I think) was when we called her fat. I wish I could expand, but it's not going to be possible without ruining how perfect the first Epic Night was. And, since it is not the crux of this case, I can let the fat jokes rest. However, given the context of our insults, this was a precious little gem (keep in mind that she doesn't know I called her fat earlier):
xemoxlovex will brb... shes hungry
The other one was KeyJenCool, the kind of douche that says something that nobody thinks is funny and then laughs at his own joke. I hate those kind of people. The kind that punctuate every bit of repartee with lol or lmao.
KeyJenCool: lmao
KeyJenCool: i crack myself up
There's going to be cracking alright.
The worst part was when, in the middle of being insulted, KJC came up with the worst fucking insult ever.
KeyJenCool: ur brain is skinny
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?
Tell me now. What the fuck does it mean to have a skinny brain? The worst part was that, being the douchebag this guy is, he kept praising himself for letting this abortion of a phrase escape into the airwaves. That's aural pollution, you fucking jerk.
Remember how I said I had to keep inviting Golden_God back? They still had not realized it was me (dumbasses). After "skinny brain," we decided to make our exit; partly because they weren't fun anymore, and partly because holy shit, they are fucking stupid.
We decided to let them in on the joke.
Randomdude01: Wow guys. You really are all pathetic. So stupid in fact, I've been inviting him this entire time. Way to go, morons. P.S. Emo is fat. Seriously.
Randomdude01: Also, KayJenCool, quit laughing at the most retarded shit. Skinny brain? What, did you have a lobotomy? Fucking incredible.
KeyJenCool: ...
xemoxlovex: what the crap!?
Then I got kicked.
Case #2: The setting is a random room.
Golden_God: Quit this circlejerk right now.
DumbBitch: WTF U MAKE NO SENSE
Golden_God: Sigh, this room is just a bunch of kids saying "lol no u"
DumbBitch: what? lol no u?
*long pause*
DumbBitch: what does that mean?
Golden_God: It means you are ignorant.
DumbBitch: I dont have ignorange.
I don't know whether I prefer to think of it as the retarded cousin of the orange or as a technical term to describe the range of stupidity someone possesses. Drop me a line, and tell me whether we should add it to the lexicon.
Case #3: I went into a room as Pokeman. It was for a brief period of time, so when I left, I left the inhabitants with this:
Pokeman: Sorry, kids, I have to jet.
Pokeman: But don't worry. To summon me, all you have to do is recite the Pokerap.
Pokeman left the game.
Case #4: This is verbatim.
PunksxPain: yeha...
NeoAegis: Seriously, learn to say something constructive or just shut up.
emo.person: i belive ur fucking stupid too
NeoAegis: None of this "uhhh ummmm liek lol" shit.
emo.person: that was construsatives
emo.person: how do u spell that
NeoAegis: You can't even spell.
NeoAegis: Constructive.
emo.person: contcrauctave
emo.person: wait wha
NeoAegis: ...
emo.person: constructave
PunksxPain: ok...this is akward seriously
emo.person: forget it
NeoAegis: Wow.
emo.person: shut up man
NeoAegis: With the word fucking in front of you...
NeoAegis: You can't spell it.
NeoAegis: End your life now.
emo.person: fcuking
emo.person: damn
emo.person: fuicki
emo.person: fucking
Case #5: There was a room called "lover's room." I noticed there were five people in there, so being the dick that I am...
NeoAegis: Okay, there are five people here.
NeoAegis: That means that this place either has an orgy, a threesome, or there is one very lonely dude.
Everyone laughed and had a good time. I left for half an hour, but I was still bored, so I came back. I pointed out that they still had uneven numbers, and some girl lost her shit and tried to burn me.
newbie-419: ugh ur stupid go away
Being the dick that I am...
NeoAegis: Shut the fuck up, dicklips.
I fired right back. Then a guy started defending her. It was sick; he was defending her solely on the basis that she was a girl. He even said this explicitly.
cDizzle: hey u cant talk to her like that
cDizzle: u should respect girls
NeoAegis: What? You do realize that she tried to flame me in the first place, right?
cDizzle: so? shes still a girl...
NeoAegis: You're a sexist pig, you realize?
NeoAegis: You just happen to be sexist in a manner that is positive to women.
This is the problem with feminism. The basic tenets of feminism I agree with: women are morally and legally equal to men. However, so many women expand into getting extra special rights. You want equality? Done, with pleasure. But don't expect people not to point out your dumb mistakes just because you are a woman.
Case #6: This is just something that is fun to do. When some pervert asks you "asl?" the best response is:
Girl: 17/f/uk u
I'm done for now.
May 13, 2008
Science! No, wait...
Yes, I know I haven't updated in a while. Things happen. I'll make it up with this and soon the Epic Nights will come. I'll be bending over at the end of the blag so you can kiss my ass, mkay?
So, I thought I'd check out Joao Magueijo's Big Bang show on the Science Channel. Being an amateur logician and scientist, this obviously piqued my interest. I could read about cosmology all day.
This was barely science.
It started off innocuously enough, save for that annoying-as-fuck accent. Blah, blah, blah, start of the universe, big ban- wait. Did he just say the Big Bang explained how the universe came to be? What the fuck am I watching?
No, no, Magueijo. As evidenced by your accent, you don't seem to possess a mastery of the lexicon. Allow me to correct your mistake.
The Big Bang Theory does not explain how the universe came to be. It explains what the big bang is and the events that come afterwards. Science knows and acknowledges that, as of now, it has no meaningful way of measuring what happened before the big bang and what caused it. We know the events that happened afterwards. We cannot answer "how" or "why."
Okay, now that that's cleared up, let's move on.
Now he's talking about proving the Big Bang. This is not unusual in this type of show. The logical thing is to talk about the cosmic background radiation left over from the bang part (that's what she said!). He does so, but in the process, he starts painting himself as the "rogue" of cosmology.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Regardless, what really pisses one off about this scene is that, as he explains his theory, that the WMAP picture of the temperature of the radiant heat left over shows an underlying order, he does not a goddamn thing to explain his theory. The viewer is treated to a graphic of several WMAP-esque pictures being combined and superimposed on each other. And basically Magueijo saying "srsly, guyz!"
Here is where the show takes an unexpected turn. Magueijo starts explaining to the viewer what a "theory" is.
...
If you don't know what a theory is, turn the goddamn tv off and read a fucking book. You have no fucking business watching a science show or anything with a concept more intrinsic than Clifford the Big Red Dog.
The ironic thing is that he himself doesn't seem to realize what a theory is. He states that science is done by observation, yet refers to the "theory of primordial light" in the past tense. Meaning, he thinks it's fact. The same with the Big Bang theory. Were you there to see it, you ignorant twit? No? Then it's still a fucking theory, regardless of how much evidence you gather hinting at it. Gravity is still a theory too. I guess Mr. Magueijo isn't the most cunning linguist.
He proceeds to go down the "lol gheyz i am a rouge!" road again. You can tell because he says things like "Your best ideas don't come to you while on your desk" and "Don't believe what they tell you at school."
Where he came up with his revolutionary theory? In the rain, out in the street, just after getting plastered at a party.
Science called back in tears. And you wonder why she won't look at you in the eye anymore. Damn degenerates.
In a small spurt of honesty, I'm going to tell you this: I didn't plan on blagging about this up until this point. Magueijo was a mild irritant. But then he starts hitting you with the most fucking retarded analogies ever.
While explaining his revolutionary theory (and at the same time superimposing words like "maverick," "rebel," and, oh yes, "bad boy of cosmology." Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Did you watch this before letting it on the air? Do you know other people watch this? It wasn't made just so you could masturbate to it at night, dipshit.), Magueijo hits you in the jaw with, "holy shit!1!!one!1 the speed of light is variable"
That I can agree with. That I don't see as being completely out of the question. In the realm of theorical physics, pretty much everything is fair game. It's the analogy he uses to explain it that makes him a fucking retard (incidentally, mainstream scientist had also referred to him as a "moron," rather unsurprising, really).
He sets the stage with greyhound races. He makes the "maximum speed of the dog" analogous to the "maximum speed of light" as set by scientists (while ignoring that every dog has different qualities that would affect its speed). However, to say that the speed of light can actually transcend its current maximum speed, he gives a dog a fucking rocket-pack.
I'm not fucking joking.
I wish I was. I really, really do. But no, Magueijo referred to it as a jet-propelled "superdog." Alright, all we have to do now is attach a rocket to a photon, and then ride it while giving scientists the finger. Brilliant!
Moron.
April 9, 2008
Apparel and why the clothing industry sucks
I'm not really a big stickler for clothes. Most of the time, I couldn't care less about the clothes I wear as long as they're clean and I'm not being a fucking walking advertisement.
However, there are some articles of clothing that are definitely more badass than others. Since it's prom time, I decided to get something to look all fly and shit. Since I already have a pimptastic fedora, I scoured the interblag for a zoot suit.
Unfortunately, most zoot suit retailers have sites that can be succintly described as utter shit. Maybe I'm just intolerant, but seeing shitty jpegs of men in zoot suits just pisses me off. The image quality is shit. I'm trying to look at the suit, but all I see is the aura of pixel bullshit around it.
Anyways. Even though the zoot suit is indeed an awesome work of art, it is not impervious to fucking retards. I say this because some of the suits also look like utter shit. I particularly hate the ones with the skinny white guy who has a such a baggy suit that he could be flown as a hot balloon, and the suit has VERY prominent stripes. It just looks like shit. Period.
Also, this suit baffled me. It doesn't even look like it goes together. It's part lime green, part khaki, and all ugly. Who the fuck designed this? The suit color is described as "mint," which is going to be required to mask the odor of the projectile vomiting.
I also came across the same suit in different colors. I know that sounds stupid, but continue reading, jackass. It had the same model, doing the same pose. Being the super sleuth I am, I started getting suspicious and deduced it was just copy+paste and some photoshop color-altering. Also, I figured it out before I arrived at this picture:
I know these people work at fashion and shit, but if you're gonna use a computer, learn how to fucking use it in the first place, you knuckle-dragging mouthbreathers. Seriously.
Actually, after seeing the picture that's coming up next, I would settle for people who know something about composition. Watch and be amazed as a website attempts to sell you a suit with the handsome model, Shoeface Man.
Shopping on the Internet blows.
April 6, 2008
Templates
I decided to change the look of the blag, mostly because I felt bored with the simple blue. Unfortunately, Blogspot provides few templates, and quite honestly, most of them are shit.
Okay, only a couple of them are utter shit, but the vast majority isn't geared towards my style (awesome asskickery) as it is towards douchebags (bright colors, girly swirls, and lots of circles because sharp objects are mean). There are only a couple good ones, but they don't go with the feel of the blag or they are too simple to the point of being ugly.
So I was stuck with a couple of choices.
A. I could forget about it, suck it up, and keep the current template.
B. I could suck it up and pick another template from Blogspot.
C. I could give the finger to Blogspot, head out into the Interwebs, and look for a template.
D. I could make my own template.
Seeing as how I'm a dick and also a lazy bastard, only option C made sense.
Turns out, that may not have been the best idea. Apparently, the Interweb, much like Blogspot, caters to the douchebag in all of us. I found templates dealing with too specific subjects, like horses, cars, butterflies, flowers, rain, computers, videogame consoles, Constantinople... I even found one with an apple. Just an random fucking apple out of nowhere. I know when people design these templates they are being "artsy" and "creative," but when people actually use these things they come off as "douchebags" and "pricks." Some might say "fucking fairies," but I'm not a mean person, you fucking fairies.
There were also several templates that deviated from the tried and true formula of two/three colums for posts/archives/about. They advertised their templates as being "new" and "reinvented." Reinvented is apparently designer-speak for "barely functional." I couldn't find a fucking thing. Sometimes, the archives were at the fucking bottom of the page, where it least made sense. "Hey, I need to find a single post, but I can't find the archives! Goddamnit, I'll just look manually... What the fuck? The archives are the very bottom of the page. Thanks, assholes."
Apart from being utter shit in the practical realm, they're also not very aesthetically pleasing (they also look like shit, making them the proverbial Wildebeast: ugly outside and inside).
There were a few clever ones, like the one that imitated the look of the iPhone. I thought about picking it up, but I decided not to because I don't really describe myself as a "pompous ass."
And of course, there were templates dedicated to the emos. The vast majority is probably crying on their LiveJournals, MySpace, or Xanga, but there are bound to be some that are in Blogspot. Those crybaby bastards. Anyways, the templates featured the always popular guy (or girl, I can't fucking tell) with long emo hair doing a pistol with his (her?) hand to his temple, a picture of the full moon for the vampire emo prick subspecies, and titles such as "Lonelyness" and "Nobody Loves Me," which isn't all that surprising seeing as how everybody hates emos. Hey idiots, nobody likes you because you are emo. What you're doing is referred to in the latest scientific research as a "self-fulfilling prophecy" and also "fucking gay."
However, this was by far the most unsettling of the templates I saw. (I don't have a bigger image, thank whatever god you believe in)
Seriously, who the fuck would use that!? And it actually had like 82 downloads. Protip to everyone who downloaded that: Just go ahead and register yourselves as sex offenders before anything happens.
Also, wear some article of clothing that distinguishes you, so that I can throw heavy objects at you because you're not people (fucking fairies).
April 4, 2008
Charlie Chaplin is the most sexually ambiguous man to exist. Ever.
I'm not fucking kidding. He outdoes the likes of Ben Affleck, hermaphrodites, and post-op gender hoppers with unreal flamboyance. Okay, I could actually just be here and rant on and on, and pretty much convince any reader, but I actually have proof. Yes, I went and FUCKING LOOKED UP a video just to make my point. This is what I do for you bastards.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QY1VpJOhVg&feature=related
Go to 5:55. I'll wait.
...
All done? Say it with me: "What the fuck did I just see?"
It doesn't matter what the fuck he did before with his life. It doesn't matter what he did after this movie. All that matters is that Charlie Chaplin is the devil. Need more convincing? Alright.
(Jews might want to avert their eyes)
That decides it. Hitler imitated Chaplin, therefore Chaplin must be the devil. QED.
March 20, 2008
January 20, 2008
People need to learn how to fucking Google
Seriously. Apparently there are still mouthbreathers out there who can't type in a simple search string for Google to return what you want to see. Sure, there's some ambiguity sometimes, but there's also downright stupid assfuckery.
Here are some example's, complete with spelling errors.
"amazing deer kill"
Seriously, what the fuck? Who the fuck searches for this shit? Who the fuck would UPLOAD this shit? Fucking amazing.
"anerexic"
"anerexiody"
"anerexody"
Researchers suspect that after failing to find her desired webpage, this girl killed herself. If only she had learned to spell.
Or, oh, I don't know, USED THE FUCKING GOOGLE FUNCTION WHICH CORRECTS YOUR DUMB ASS?
Did you mean: anorexic?
Jesus christ.
"killswtch ingaged"
What the fuck is wrong with people?
"____'s mom's ass"
I'm assuming this was a joke made in front of the person whose mother was subject of this search string... But it's still fucking retarded, you cellulite-loving assfucks.
"poop"
We are clearly dealing with intellectually advanced beings.
"sweet hunting kills"
Apparently our resident redneck had a thought. "AW SHIIT! SWEET HUNTING KILLS OUGHTA WERK THO!"
What's really fucking baffling is that this fuckface thinks he can get the results he wants by changing "amazing" to "sweet." Yes, the whole fucking internet uses the same goddamn adjectives as you, and Google is your damned nanny.
"u tube"
A tube for the lazy motherfucker.
"yahoo.com"
The really baffling thing here is that this person went to Google and typed this when he could've just ENTERED IT INTO THE FUCKING ADDRESS BAR.
"awesome deer kills"
I shit you not, this was from another fucking computer. I swear on all that's holy (attractive women) that this was on another fucking computer. How does this idiot remember how to breathe? Hey, buddy, if you read this, here's a tip. Whoever is big enough of an idiot to intend to go hunting, film it, and then upload the video to the internet is probably too much of a fat moron to know how to use the internet. Save yourself some damned time.
"movies with bunnies"
Quite descriptive; I bet Google returns just what you wanted.
"synonym fir the pentateuch"
"synonym for the pentateuch"
"synonym for the pentateuch the jewish law"
The sad thing is, this person never even fucking considered going to Wikipedia and looking it up. Or, you know, recognizing that looking for the synonym is a fucking retarded idea. Adding more words doesn't fucking help, idiot.
"i hate my boy"
"i hate my body"
That's funny, I hate your body too.
"sldlajfjas"
Somebody was apparently fucking the keyboards again.
I'm going to go do something less painful now, like slamming the door on my dick.
January 17, 2008
January 13, 2008
Reasons
There are only few good reasons for which to do something. These are the top three.
1. Irony.
2. Spite.
3. Poetic Justice.
January 6, 2008
Zacura and the Third Most Epic Sketch Night
To first understand this, you must know about the game Pictionary. Basically, you draw a word/phrase/concept given to you and others have to guess it. There is an online version of this, which provides lots of immature fun for us who like to draw penises on each one of our pictures.
But this site and its primary function are just the background. The place where things really happen is the non-drawing social rooms.
Most of these are populated by mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, stereotype-following morons. Also, pedophiles. And furries. Lots of them.
Seriously, a vast majority of the chatrooms have titles like "emo, goth, punk, sk8er ONLY," "lesbian grls only," "Masturbating room," "yng grls 4 older guys," and "the wolf room." You also get the occassional room full of Narutards. Needless to say, I am now on medication to lower my fucking blood pressure.
The beauty of all this is the same as its curse. Think about it, it's a fucking congregation of idiots, furries, and pedophiles. They call to me.
Idiots> plz coem kill us wit our own face lol
NeoAegis> ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?
I'm just too happy to oblige.
Now the most epic night involved the pedophile Jake. It was also the night when me and my friend, Golden_God, made our bones in this place and became a terror. The second most epic night was with the functionally super retarded iMFABULOUS. This girl had the mental prowess of a bag of hammers, which is funny because I'd like to smash her face with such bag.
These are stories for other times, though. Today's story is the Third Most Epic night.
The night started innocuously enough. Golden_God and I were simply playing Pictionary and sketching. At around midnight, we headed to the social chatrooms to prey upon the stupid.
Important note, though. Ever since the First and Second Epic nights, the place had changed a bit. People were a lot quicker about kicking you out of their rooms. Even for doing not a fucking thing. This, of course, is always an impediment to having epic nights. One can only have so much fun messing with idiots when they are being kicked out all the time. But sometimes, a person so damned stupid that they can't kick us fast enough, can't figure out HOW to kick us, or just downright has no idea that they can leave the fucking room themselves comes along.
We started by harrassing JakeTheSkank (No relation to the actual Jake, but still funny to us). We got bored pretty quickly, so we switched gears. We went into rooms pretending to be doctors and talking about intellectual topics to throw these wankers off.
Dr.Bubblegum> Would any of you gents like to discuss the finer points of cosmology?
Dr_Pepper> Bubblegum, I see you are still concerning yourself with childish science.
Eventually we came to a room doing this schtick.
Virtually everyone left. I guess science wins in the end.
Then someone came in. Someone so wonderfully retarded.
Zacura> hi
The night became fucking surreal. This "girl" was apparently sixteen and VERY needy. For the internet retarded, people have cybersex. No, I'm not kidding. And she wanted some.
Zacura> threesome?
That's not the surreal part though. We started calling her every name in the book, and she kept coming back for more. Here are some examples of some exchanges that took place during the night.
*Dr_Pepper slaps Zacura
Dr_Pepper> WHERE'S MY SANDWICH, BITCH?
Dr_Pepper> I COME HOME AT THE END OF THE DAY AND THE HOUSE IS A FUCKING MESS
Dr_Pepper> YOU SPENT ALL GODDAMN DAY EATING CHIPS THAT FELL ON YOU WHILE WATCHING TV AND MASTURBATING, DIDN'T YOU?
Dr.Bubblegum> Why is my fucking shirt not ironed, you stupid slut?
Zacura> sorry!
*Zacura makes sandwich
*Zacura irons shirt
*Zacura cleans up mess
Zacura> sex?
Dr_Pepper> Shut the fuck up.
*Zacura shuts up
Dr_Pepper> Good.
*Dr_Pepper throws a dog treat
*Zacura eats treat
Dr_Pepper> Now sit if you want another one
*Zacura sits
Dr_Pepper> Now lay.
*Zacura wags... her ass
*Zacura lays
Dr_Pepper> Now solve this quadratic equation.
Zacura> ok =)
Dr_Pepper> WRONG BITCH!
*Dr_Pepper slaps Zacura
Zacura> how old r u guys?
Dr.Bubblegum> I'm ten. I'm just such a fucking genius that I've already got my doctorate.
Zacura> oh... nvm then
Dr.Bubblegum> Subject is apparently unable to detect thinly veiled sarcasm. She might be functionally retarded.
Zacura> im smart!
Zacura> just not at 2am
Dr_Pepper> You aren't, you stupid slut.
Dr_Pepper> You can't even fucking type out "I'm" or "I am."
God> Dealt. (I had logged in as God for a second)
And she still kept asking for sex! What the fuck!?
At one point in the night, Zacura whispered to Dr_Pepper. This was a golden exchange.
Zacura> r u male?
Dr_Pepper> Yes
Zacura> r u past puberty?
Dr_Pepper> Yes
Zacura> then y arent u horny?
After a while, people started coming into the room. Among them, Jesus, FSMPreacher, and other unimportant people.
God> Jesus, go back to your room. Now.
Jesus> =(
God> I said now, mister.
FSMPreacher> I am here to spread the word about the Flying Spaguetti Monster.
God> You're here to spread baloney. Goin' to hell, bitch.
FSM left eventually, so we had to gently bring back Zacura back into the conversation.
Dr_Pepper> WAKE UP BITCH!
Ken enters the room
Dr.Bubblegum> Growl at Ken, bitch.
Zacura> grrrr
Dr_Pepper> LOUDER.
Zacura> GRRRRR
Dr_Pepper> I can't fucking hear you.
Ken left the room
Dr.Bubblegum> Hahah, fucking loser.
By this time, my friend had made another alias, ManlyMan. He was trying to bait her into sex, and then dropping her like the whorebag she was just before.
Somewhere, though, she just fucking snapped.
Zacura> fuck you guys
Zacura> manlyman is the only one paying attention to me
Dr.Bubblegum> He thinks you're a whore too, stupid.
ManlyMan> lololol she's an ooooogly bitch
Zacura> what!?
Zacura> ur a douchbag too!
It was getting pretty late, and the bitch was getting mouthy, so we chose to end it. Crush her one last time and leave. This is the only part of the conversation that I took screenies of, so I'll write it down what we said verbatim, with only slight changes to discard unimportant comments.
Dr.Bubblegum> Bitch, make me a sandwich.
Dr.Bubblegum> But first douche so you can get all those nasty irritants out of your vagina.
Dr.Bubblegum> Bitch.
Zacura> MAke ur own damn cum sandwitch
Zacura> yup! u've been eating my cum all day
Zacura> so kiss my ass!
Dr.Bubblegum> Well
Dr.Bubblegum> It'd be the only time in my life I'd be able to say, "I have a mouth full of cellulite."
Dr_Pepper>XD OMFG
Dr_Pepper> *gone*
Dr_Pepper left the game
Dr.Bubblegum> You have failed.
Dr.Bubblegum> By yours truly, slutbag.
Dr.Bubblegum> ;o
Dr.Bubblegum left the game
Zacura> ASSholes
God> GOIN TO HELL, LOLOLOL
Zacura> it's just u
Zacura> idtiot
God> That is not a word.
God> Please check again.
Zacura> ignoring
God> Just like all the men do to you.
God> Because you are fat.
God> Some like to go hoggin' though.
God> IT'S LIKE RIDIN' A MOPED, BITCH
God> VROOOOOOOOOM
Zacura> wtf?
Zacura> i'm not a fat ass old pervy man like u!
Zacura> go waste the rest of ur life eating!
God> ...
God> What the fuck?
God> LMAO
God> As opposed to the rest of humans who don't eat?
God> And spend a very productive ten days and die?
Zacura> KISS MY ASS GAY COCK SUCKING OLD FAGG
Zacura has left the room.
God> High five!
ManlyMan> WIN
God> We should win the Nobel Prize for this.
ManlyMan later whispered her and asked her what her weight was.
She said 140.
He and I concluded that her weight was OVER NINE THOUSANDD!!
January 4, 2008
The Rules
Rules to live your lives by. They preempt any Bill of Rights, Constitution, or World Law.
1. No fat chicks. No exceptions.
2. You don't necessarily have to be overweight to be fat. Prime example: Oprah at her thinnest was still a fat cow.
3. Everything you say can be used against you by adding "that's what she said" at the end of it.
4. If you're not witty, you don't get to hate anything. Seriously, when you rant about something, you will only sound like a douchebag.
5. A backhand always fixes everything.
6. If you die in Canada, you die in real life.
7. In Canada, milk comes in bags.
8. The pelvic thrust lives forever.
9. If a man likes women, but he has sex with 300 men and doesn't like it, that doesn't make him gay. It makes him a fucking moron.
10. You don't get to make up the rules, bitch.
11. Old people sex is disgusting. Always.
12. A nice rack always helps.
13. The reason it's so hard to meet women is because the cute ones are about as smart as a bag of hammers, and the ones you can carry intelligent conversation with look like goddamned sea donkeys.
14. You smell. Try killing your family.
15. It's not gay unless your balls touch.
16. Success: For somebody to succeed, somebody else has to fail. That someone is probably you.
17. No Enya. Nobody fucking listens to Enya.
18. If it bends all the way, it's probably broken.
19. If it doesn't fit, shove that motherfucker in there.
20. To err is human, but to blame the other person is even more human.
21. I can't be held accountable for my actions if I don't plan them.
22. The Rules always work. If they don't, it's probably because you're doing it wrong.
23. Above all, never break Rules 1 and 11 at the same goddamn time.
Subject to change and revision. But most importantly, addition, motherfuckers.