Zacura and the Third Most Epic Sketch Night

To first understand this, you must know about the game Pictionary. Basically, you draw a word/phrase/concept given to you and others have to guess it. There is an online version of this, which provides lots of immature fun for us who like to draw penises on each one of our pictures.

But this site and its primary function are just the background. The place where things really happen is the non-drawing social rooms.

Most of these are populated by mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, stereotype-following morons. Also, pedophiles. And furries. Lots of them.

Seriously, a vast majority of the chatrooms have titles like "emo, goth, punk, sk8er ONLY," "lesbian grls only," "Masturbating room," "yng grls 4 older guys," and "the wolf room." You also get the occassional room full of Narutards. Needless to say, I am now on medication to lower my fucking blood pressure.

The beauty of all this is the same as its curse. Think about it, it's a fucking congregation of idiots, furries, and pedophiles. They call to me.

Idiots> plz coem kill us wit our own face lol
NeoAegis> ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?

I'm just too happy to oblige.

Now the most epic night involved the pedophile Jake. It was also the night when me and my friend, Golden_God, made our bones in this place and became a terror. The second most epic night was with the functionally super retarded iMFABULOUS. This girl had the mental prowess of a bag of hammers, which is funny because I'd like to smash her face with such bag.

These are stories for other times, though. Today's story is the Third Most Epic night.

The night started innocuously enough. Golden_God and I were simply playing Pictionary and sketching. At around midnight, we headed to the social chatrooms to prey upon the stupid.

Important note, though. Ever since the First and Second Epic nights, the place had changed a bit. People were a lot quicker about kicking you out of their rooms. Even for doing not a fucking thing. This, of course, is always an impediment to having epic nights. One can only have so much fun messing with idiots when they are being kicked out all the time. But sometimes, a person so damned stupid that they can't kick us fast enough, can't figure out HOW to kick us, or just downright has no idea that they can leave the fucking room themselves comes along.

We started by harrassing JakeTheSkank (No relation to the actual Jake, but still funny to us). We got bored pretty quickly, so we switched gears. We went into rooms pretending to be doctors and talking about intellectual topics to throw these wankers off.

Dr.Bubblegum> Would any of you gents like to discuss the finer points of cosmology?
Dr_Pepper> Bubblegum, I see you are still concerning yourself with childish science.

Eventually we came to a room doing this schtick.

Virtually everyone left. I guess science wins in the end.

Then someone came in. Someone so wonderfully retarded.

Zacura> hi

The night became fucking surreal. This "girl" was apparently sixteen and VERY needy. For the internet retarded, people have cybersex. No, I'm not kidding. And she wanted some.

Zacura> threesome?

That's not the surreal part though. We started calling her every name in the book, and she kept coming back for more. Here are some examples of some exchanges that took place during the night.

*Dr_Pepper slaps Zacura
Dr_Pepper> WHERE'S MY SANDWICH, BITCH?
Dr_Pepper> I COME HOME AT THE END OF THE DAY AND THE HOUSE IS A FUCKING MESS
Dr_Pepper> YOU SPENT ALL GODDAMN DAY EATING CHIPS THAT FELL ON YOU WHILE WATCHING TV AND MASTURBATING, DIDN'T YOU?
Dr.Bubblegum> Why is my fucking shirt not ironed, you stupid slut?
Zacura> sorry!
*Zacura makes sandwich
*Zacura irons shirt
*Zacura cleans up mess

Zacura> sex?
Dr_Pepper> Shut the fuck up.
*Zacura shuts up
Dr_Pepper> Good.
*Dr_Pepper throws a dog treat
*Zacura eats treat
Dr_Pepper> Now sit if you want another one
*Zacura sits
Dr_Pepper> Now lay.
*Zacura wags... her ass
*Zacura lays
Dr_Pepper> Now solve this quadratic equation.
Zacura> ok =)
Dr_Pepper> WRONG BITCH!
*Dr_Pepper slaps Zacura

Zacura> how old r u guys?
Dr.Bubblegum> I'm ten. I'm just such a fucking genius that I've already got my doctorate.
Zacura> oh... nvm then
Dr.Bubblegum> Subject is apparently unable to detect thinly veiled sarcasm. She might be functionally retarded.

Zacura> im smart!
Zacura> just not at 2am
Dr_Pepper> You aren't, you stupid slut.
Dr_Pepper> You can't even fucking type out "I'm" or "I am."
God> Dealt. (I had logged in as God for a second)

And she still kept asking for sex! What the fuck!?

At one point in the night, Zacura whispered to Dr_Pepper. This was a golden exchange.

Zacura> r u male?
Dr_Pepper> Yes
Zacura> r u past puberty?
Dr_Pepper> Yes
Zacura> then y arent u horny?

After a while, people started coming into the room. Among them, Jesus, FSMPreacher, and other unimportant people.

God> Jesus, go back to your room. Now.
Jesus> =(
God> I said now, mister.

FSMPreacher> I am here to spread the word about the Flying Spaguetti Monster.
God> You're here to spread baloney. Goin' to hell, bitch.

FSM left eventually, so we had to gently bring back Zacura back into the conversation.

Dr_Pepper> WAKE UP BITCH!
Ken enters the room
Dr.Bubblegum> Growl at Ken, bitch.
Zacura> grrrr
Dr_Pepper> LOUDER.
Zacura> GRRRRR
Dr_Pepper> I can't fucking hear you.
Ken left the room
Dr.Bubblegum> Hahah, fucking loser.

By this time, my friend had made another alias, ManlyMan. He was trying to bait her into sex, and then dropping her like the whorebag she was just before.

Somewhere, though, she just fucking snapped.

Zacura> fuck you guys
Zacura> manlyman is the only one paying attention to me
Dr.Bubblegum> He thinks you're a whore too, stupid.
ManlyMan> lololol she's an ooooogly bitch
Zacura> what!?
Zacura> ur a douchbag too!

It was getting pretty late, and the bitch was getting mouthy, so we chose to end it. Crush her one last time and leave. This is the only part of the conversation that I took screenies of, so I'll write it down what we said verbatim, with only slight changes to discard unimportant comments.

Dr.Bubblegum> Bitch, make me a sandwich.
Dr.Bubblegum> But first douche so you can get all those nasty irritants out of your vagina.
Dr.Bubblegum> Bitch.
Zacura> MAke ur own damn cum sandwitch
Zacura> yup! u've been eating my cum all day
Zacura> so kiss my ass!
Dr.Bubblegum> Well
Dr.Bubblegum> It'd be the only time in my life I'd be able to say, "I have a mouth full of cellulite."
Dr_Pepper>XD OMFG
Dr_Pepper> *gone*
Dr_Pepper left the game
Dr.Bubblegum> You have failed.
Dr.Bubblegum> By yours truly, slutbag.
Dr.Bubblegum> ;o
Dr.Bubblegum left the game
Zacura> ASSholes
God> GOIN TO HELL, LOLOLOL
Zacura> it's just u
Zacura> idtiot
God> That is not a word.
God> Please check again.
Zacura> ignoring
God> Just like all the men do to you.
God> Because you are fat.
God> Some like to go hoggin' though.
God> IT'S LIKE RIDIN' A MOPED, BITCH
God> VROOOOOOOOOM
Zacura> wtf?
Zacura> i'm not a fat ass old pervy man like u!
Zacura> go waste the rest of ur life eating!
God> ...
God> What the fuck?
God> LMAO
God> As opposed to the rest of humans who don't eat?
God> And spend a very productive ten days and die?
Zacura> KISS MY ASS GAY COCK SUCKING OLD FAGG
Zacura has left the room.
God> High five!
ManlyMan> WIN
God> We should win the Nobel Prize for this.

ManlyMan later whispered her and asked her what her weight was.

She said 140.

He and I concluded that her weight was OVER NINE THOUSANDD!!