The Rules

Rules to live your lives by. They preempt any Bill of Rights, Constitution, or World Law.

1. No fat chicks. No exceptions.
2. You don't necessarily have to be overweight to be fat. Prime example: Oprah at her thinnest was still a fat cow.
3. Everything you say can be used against you by adding "that's what she said" at the end of it.
4. If you're not witty, you don't get to hate anything. Seriously, when you rant about something, you will only sound like a douchebag.
5. A backhand always fixes everything.
6. If you die in Canada, you die in real life.
7. In Canada, milk comes in bags.
8. The pelvic thrust lives forever.
9. If a man likes women, but he has sex with 300 men and doesn't like it, that doesn't make him gay. It makes him a fucking moron.
10. You don't get to make up the rules, bitch.
11. Old people sex is disgusting. Always.
12. A nice rack always helps.
13. The reason it's so hard to meet women is because the cute ones are about as smart as a bag of hammers, and the ones you can carry intelligent conversation with look like goddamned sea donkeys.
14. You smell. Try killing your family.
15. It's not gay unless your balls touch.
16. Success: For somebody to succeed, somebody else has to fail. That someone is probably you.
17. No Enya. Nobody fucking listens to Enya.
18. If it bends all the way, it's probably broken.
19. If it doesn't fit, shove that motherfucker in there.
20. To err is human, but to blame the other person is even more human.
21. I can't be held accountable for my actions if I don't plan them.
22. The Rules always work. If they don't, it's probably because you're doing it wrong.
23. Above all, never break Rules 1 and 11 at the same goddamn time.

Subject to change and revision. But most importantly, addition, motherfuckers.