New Rules

Check 22 and 23. For serious.

Primer for the Epic Nights

I don't feel like writing the second Epic Night at the moment, however, I figure I should probably update, so I'm going to post random snippets of conversation that happened during the summer the Epic Nights took place. They will be mostly derived from second-hand conversations, but they will keep their punch, I promise.

Case #1: Once, I was waiting for Golden_God to show up for a long time while I was in a room with several other retards. If I recall correctly, we had stumbled upon these retards before, and thus I approached them by using a different alias, Randomdude01. I had baited them into being friendly with me, though at a price: I was dying. These people were fucking retarded. I held back every comment and replaced it with innoucuous lols, yeahs, and omgs.

Understandably, I scrubbed myself like a rape victim afterwards.

At any rate, Golden_God made it after a while, and I just had to sit back and watch the show. After being insulted for a while, they privatized the room, which made my role all the more important: I had to keep inviting him back to keep up the good times.

I should probably break down the psyches of our targets now.

The first target was XemoxloveX. Our first encounter with her (I think) was when we called her fat. I wish I could expand, but it's not going to be possible without ruining how perfect the first Epic Night was. And, since it is not the crux of this case, I can let the fat jokes rest. However, given the context of our insults, this was a precious little gem (keep in mind that she doesn't know I called her fat earlier):

xemoxlovex will brb... shes hungry

The other one was KeyJenCool, the kind of douche that says something that nobody thinks is funny and then laughs at his own joke. I hate those kind of people. The kind that punctuate every bit of repartee with lol or lmao.

KeyJenCool: lmao
KeyJenCool: i crack myself up

There's going to be cracking alright.

Above: KeyJenCool's skull. Not pictured: violent murder

The worst part was when, in the middle of being insulted, KJC came up with the worst fucking insult ever.

KeyJenCool: ur brain is skinny

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

Tell me now. What the fuck does it mean to have a skinny brain? The worst part was that, being the douchebag this guy is, he kept praising himself for letting this abortion of a phrase escape into the airwaves. That's aural pollution, you fucking jerk.

Remember how I said I had to keep inviting Golden_God back? They still had not realized it was me (dumbasses). After "skinny brain," we decided to make our exit; partly because they weren't fun anymore, and partly because holy shit, they are fucking stupid.

We decided to let them in on the joke.

Randomdude01: Wow guys. You really are all pathetic. So stupid in fact, I've been inviting him this entire time. Way to go, morons. P.S. Emo is fat. Seriously.
Randomdude01: Also, KayJenCool, quit laughing at the most retarded shit. Skinny brain? What, did you have a lobotomy? Fucking incredible.
KeyJenCool: ...
xemoxlovex: what the crap!?

Then I got kicked.

Case #2: The setting is a random room.

Golden_God: Quit this circlejerk right now.
DumbBitch: WTF U MAKE NO SENSE
Golden_God: Sigh, this room is just a bunch of kids saying "lol no u"
DumbBitch: what? lol no u?
*long pause*
DumbBitch: what does that mean?
Golden_God: It means you are ignorant.
DumbBitch: I dont have ignorange.

I don't know whether I prefer to think of it as the retarded cousin of the orange or as a technical term to describe the range of stupidity someone possesses. Drop me a line, and tell me whether we should add it to the lexicon.

Case #3: I went into a room as Pokeman. It was for a brief period of time, so when I left, I left the inhabitants with this:

Pokeman: Sorry, kids, I have to jet.
Pokeman: But don't worry. To summon me, all you have to do is recite the Pokerap.
Pokeman left the game.

Case #4: This is verbatim.

PunksxPain: yeha...
NeoAegis: Seriously, learn to say something constructive or just shut up.
emo.person: i belive ur fucking stupid too
NeoAegis: None of this "uhhh ummmm liek lol" shit.
emo.person: that was construsatives
emo.person: how do u spell that
NeoAegis: You can't even spell.
NeoAegis: Constructive.
emo.person: contcrauctave
emo.person: wait wha
NeoAegis: ...
emo.person: constructave
PunksxPain: ok...this is akward seriously
emo.person: forget it
NeoAegis: Wow.
emo.person: shut up man
NeoAegis: With the word fucking in front of you...
NeoAegis: You can't spell it.
NeoAegis: End your life now.
emo.person: fcuking
emo.person: damn
emo.person: fuicki
emo.person: fucking

Case #5: There was a room called "lover's room." I noticed there were five people in there, so being the dick that I am...

NeoAegis: Okay, there are five people here.
NeoAegis: That means that this place either has an orgy, a threesome, or there is one very lonely dude.

Everyone laughed and had a good time. I left for half an hour, but I was still bored, so I came back. I pointed out that they still had uneven numbers, and some girl lost her shit and tried to burn me.

newbie-419: ugh ur stupid go away

Being the dick that I am...

NeoAegis: Shut the fuck up, dicklips.

I fired right back. Then a guy started defending her. It was sick; he was defending her solely on the basis that she was a girl. He even said this explicitly.

cDizzle: hey u cant talk to her like that
cDizzle: u should respect girls
NeoAegis: What? You do realize that she tried to flame me in the first place, right?
cDizzle: so? shes still a girl...
NeoAegis: You're a sexist pig, you realize?
NeoAegis: You just happen to be sexist in a manner that is positive to women.

This is the problem with feminism. The basic tenets of feminism I agree with: women are morally and legally equal to men. However, so many women expand into getting extra special rights. You want equality? Done, with pleasure. But don't expect people not to point out your dumb mistakes just because you are a woman.

Case #6: This is just something that is fun to do. When some pervert asks you "asl?" the best response is:

Girl: 17/f/uk u

I'm done for now.

Science! No, wait...

Yes, I know I haven't updated in a while. Things happen. I'll make it up with this and soon the Epic Nights will come. I'll be bending over at the end of the blag so you can kiss my ass, mkay?

So, I thought I'd check out Joao Magueijo's Big Bang show on the Science Channel. Being an amateur logician and scientist, this obviously piqued my interest. I could read about cosmology all day.

This was barely science.

It started off innocuously enough, save for that annoying-as-fuck accent. Blah, blah, blah, start of the universe, big ban- wait. Did he just say the Big Bang explained how the universe came to be? What the fuck am I watching?

No, no, Magueijo. As evidenced by your accent, you don't seem to possess a mastery of the lexicon. Allow me to correct your mistake.

The Big Bang Theory does not explain how the universe came to be. It explains what the big bang is and the events that come afterwards. Science knows and acknowledges that, as of now, it has no meaningful way of measuring what happened before the big bang and what caused it. We know the events that happened afterwards. We cannot answer "how" or "why."

Okay, now that that's cleared up, let's move on.

Now he's talking about proving the Big Bang. This is not unusual in this type of show. The logical thing is to talk about the cosmic background radiation left over from the bang part (that's what she said!). He does so, but in the process, he starts painting himself as the "rogue" of cosmology.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Regardless, what really pisses one off about this scene is that, as he explains his theory, that the WMAP picture of the temperature of the radiant heat left over shows an underlying order, he does not a goddamn thing to explain his theory. The viewer is treated to a graphic of several WMAP-esque pictures being combined and superimposed on each other. And basically Magueijo saying "srsly, guyz!"

Here is where the show takes an unexpected turn. Magueijo starts explaining to the viewer what a "theory" is.

...

If you don't know what a theory is, turn the goddamn tv off and read a fucking book. You have no fucking business watching a science show or anything with a concept more intrinsic than Clifford the Big Red Dog.

The ironic thing is that he himself doesn't seem to realize what a theory is. He states that science is done by observation, yet refers to the "theory of primordial light" in the past tense. Meaning, he thinks it's fact. The same with the Big Bang theory. Were you there to see it, you ignorant twit? No? Then it's still a fucking theory, regardless of how much evidence you gather hinting at it. Gravity is still a theory too. I guess Mr. Magueijo isn't the most cunning linguist.

He proceeds to go down the "lol gheyz i am a rouge!" road again. You can tell because he says things like "Your best ideas don't come to you while on your desk" and "Don't believe what they tell you at school."

Where he came up with his revolutionary theory? In the rain, out in the street, just after getting plastered at a party.

Science called back in tears. And you wonder why she won't look at you in the eye anymore. Damn degenerates.

In a small spurt of honesty, I'm going to tell you this: I didn't plan on blagging about this up until this point. Magueijo was a mild irritant. But then he starts hitting you with the most fucking retarded analogies ever.

While explaining his revolutionary theory (and at the same time superimposing words like "maverick," "rebel," and, oh yes, "bad boy of cosmology." Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Did you watch this before letting it on the air? Do you know other people watch this? It wasn't made just so you could masturbate to it at night, dipshit.), Magueijo hits you in the jaw with, "holy shit!1!!one!1 the speed of light is variable"

That I can agree with. That I don't see as being completely out of the question. In the realm of theorical physics, pretty much everything is fair game. It's the analogy he uses to explain it that makes him a fucking retard (incidentally, mainstream scientist had also referred to him as a "moron," rather unsurprising, really).

He sets the stage with greyhound races. He makes the "maximum speed of the dog" analogous to the "maximum speed of light" as set by scientists (while ignoring that every dog has different qualities that would affect its speed). However, to say that the speed of light can actually transcend its current maximum speed, he gives a dog a fucking rocket-pack.

I'm not fucking joking.

I wish I was. I really, really do. But no, Magueijo referred to it as a jet-propelled "superdog." Alright, all we have to do now is attach a rocket to a photon, and then ride it while giving scientists the finger. Brilliant!

Moron.

Apparel and why the clothing industry sucks

I'm not really a big stickler for clothes. Most of the time, I couldn't care less about the clothes I wear as long as they're clean and I'm not being a fucking walking advertisement.

Not happening

However, there are some articles of clothing that are definitely more badass than others. Since it's prom time, I decided to get something to look all fly and shit. Since I already have a pimptastic fedora, I scoured the interblag for a zoot suit.

Unfortunately, most zoot suit retailers have sites that can be succintly described as utter shit. Maybe I'm just intolerant, but seeing shitty jpegs of men in zoot suits just pisses me off. The image quality is shit. I'm trying to look at the suit, but all I see is the aura of pixel bullshit around it.

Anyways. Even though the zoot suit is indeed an awesome work of art, it is not impervious to fucking retards. I say this because some of the suits also look like utter shit. I particularly hate the ones with the skinny white guy who has a such a baggy suit that he could be flown as a hot balloon, and the suit has VERY prominent stripes. It just looks like shit. Period.




Trying too hard and failing

Also, this suit baffled me. It doesn't even look like it goes together. It's part lime green, part khaki, and all ugly. Who the fuck designed this? The suit color is described as "mint," which is going to be required to mask the odor of the projectile vomiting.



I also came across the same suit in different colors. I know that sounds stupid, but continue reading, jackass. It had the same model, doing the same pose. Being the super sleuth I am, I started getting suspicious and deduced it was just copy+paste and some photoshop color-altering. Also, I figured it out before I arrived at this picture:



I know these people work at fashion and shit, but if you're gonna use a computer, learn how to fucking use it in the first place, you knuckle-dragging mouthbreathers. Seriously.

Actually, after seeing the picture that's coming up next, I would settle for people who know something about composition. Watch and be amazed as a website attempts to sell you a suit with the handsome model, Shoeface Man.











What the fuck

Shopping on the Internet blows.

Templates

I decided to change the look of the blag, mostly because I felt bored with the simple blue. Unfortunately, Blogspot provides few templates, and quite honestly, most of them are shit.

Okay, only a couple of them are utter shit, but the vast majority isn't geared towards my style (awesome asskickery) as it is towards douchebags (bright colors, girly swirls, and lots of circles because sharp objects are mean). There are only a couple good ones, but they don't go with the feel of the blag or they are too simple to the point of being ugly.

So I was stuck with a couple of choices.

A. I could forget about it, suck it up, and keep the current template.
B. I could suck it up and pick another template from Blogspot.
C. I could give the finger to Blogspot, head out into the Interwebs, and look for a template.
D. I could make my own template.


Seeing as how I'm a dick and also a lazy bastard, only option C made sense.

Turns out, that may not have been the best idea. Apparently, the Interweb, much like Blogspot, caters to the douchebag in all of us. I found templates dealing with too specific subjects, like horses, cars, butterflies, flowers, rain, computers, videogame consoles, Constantinople... I even found one with an apple. Just an random fucking apple out of nowhere. I know when people design these templates they are being "artsy" and "creative," but when people actually use these things they come off as "douchebags" and "pricks." Some might say "fucking fairies," but I'm not a mean person, you fucking fairies.

There were also several templates that deviated from the tried and true formula of two/three colums for posts/archives/about. They advertised their templates as being "new" and "reinvented." Reinvented is apparently designer-speak for "barely functional." I couldn't find a fucking thing. Sometimes, the archives were at the fucking bottom of the page, where it least made sense. "Hey, I need to find a single post, but I can't find the archives! Goddamnit, I'll just look manually... What the fuck? The archives are the very bottom of the page. Thanks, assholes."

Apart from being utter shit in the practical realm, they're also not very aesthetically pleasing (they also look like shit, making them the proverbial Wildebeast: ugly outside and inside).

There were a few clever ones, like the one that imitated the look of the iPhone. I thought about picking it up, but I decided not to because I don't really describe myself as a "pompous ass."

And of course, there were templates dedicated to the emos. The vast majority is probably crying on their LiveJournals, MySpace, or Xanga, but there are bound to be some that are in Blogspot. Those crybaby bastards. Anyways, the templates featured the always popular guy (or girl, I can't fucking tell) with long emo hair doing a pistol with his (her?) hand to his temple, a picture of the full moon for the vampire emo prick subspecies, and titles such as "Lonelyness" and "Nobody Loves Me," which isn't all that surprising seeing as how everybody hates emos. Hey idiots, nobody likes you because you are emo. What you're doing is referred to in the latest scientific research as a "self-fulfilling prophecy" and also "fucking gay."

However, this was by far the most unsettling of the templates I saw. (I don't have a bigger image, thank whatever god you believe in)



Seriously, who the fuck would use that!? And it actually had like 82 downloads. Protip to everyone who downloaded that: Just go ahead and register yourselves as sex offenders before anything happens.

Also, wear some article of clothing that distinguishes you, so that I can throw heavy objects at you because you're not people (fucking fairies).

Rule Update

18, 19, and 20.


No, I'm not done yet.

Charlie Chaplin is the most sexually ambiguous man to exist. Ever.

I'm not fucking kidding. He outdoes the likes of Ben Affleck, hermaphrodites, and post-op gender hoppers with unreal flamboyance. Okay, I could actually just be here and rant on and on, and pretty much convince any reader, but I actually have proof. Yes, I went and FUCKING LOOKED UP a video just to make my point. This is what I do for you bastards.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QY1VpJOhVg&feature=related


Go to 5:55. I'll wait.


...


All done? Say it with me: "What the fuck did I just see?"

It doesn't matter what the fuck he did before with his life. It doesn't matter what he did after this movie. All that matters is that Charlie Chaplin is the devil. Need more convincing? Alright.

(Jews might want to avert their eyes)


















That decides it. Hitler imitated Chaplin, therefore Chaplin must be the devil. QED.