Science! No, wait...

Yes, I know I haven't updated in a while. Things happen. I'll make it up with this and soon the Epic Nights will come. I'll be bending over at the end of the blag so you can kiss my ass, mkay?

So, I thought I'd check out Joao Magueijo's Big Bang show on the Science Channel. Being an amateur logician and scientist, this obviously piqued my interest. I could read about cosmology all day.

This was barely science.

It started off innocuously enough, save for that annoying-as-fuck accent. Blah, blah, blah, start of the universe, big ban- wait. Did he just say the Big Bang explained how the universe came to be? What the fuck am I watching?

No, no, Magueijo. As evidenced by your accent, you don't seem to possess a mastery of the lexicon. Allow me to correct your mistake.

The Big Bang Theory does not explain how the universe came to be. It explains what the big bang is and the events that come afterwards. Science knows and acknowledges that, as of now, it has no meaningful way of measuring what happened before the big bang and what caused it. We know the events that happened afterwards. We cannot answer "how" or "why."

Okay, now that that's cleared up, let's move on.

Now he's talking about proving the Big Bang. This is not unusual in this type of show. The logical thing is to talk about the cosmic background radiation left over from the bang part (that's what she said!). He does so, but in the process, he starts painting himself as the "rogue" of cosmology.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Regardless, what really pisses one off about this scene is that, as he explains his theory, that the WMAP picture of the temperature of the radiant heat left over shows an underlying order, he does not a goddamn thing to explain his theory. The viewer is treated to a graphic of several WMAP-esque pictures being combined and superimposed on each other. And basically Magueijo saying "srsly, guyz!"

Here is where the show takes an unexpected turn. Magueijo starts explaining to the viewer what a "theory" is.

...

If you don't know what a theory is, turn the goddamn tv off and read a fucking book. You have no fucking business watching a science show or anything with a concept more intrinsic than Clifford the Big Red Dog.

The ironic thing is that he himself doesn't seem to realize what a theory is. He states that science is done by observation, yet refers to the "theory of primordial light" in the past tense. Meaning, he thinks it's fact. The same with the Big Bang theory. Were you there to see it, you ignorant twit? No? Then it's still a fucking theory, regardless of how much evidence you gather hinting at it. Gravity is still a theory too. I guess Mr. Magueijo isn't the most cunning linguist.

He proceeds to go down the "lol gheyz i am a rouge!" road again. You can tell because he says things like "Your best ideas don't come to you while on your desk" and "Don't believe what they tell you at school."

Where he came up with his revolutionary theory? In the rain, out in the street, just after getting plastered at a party.

Science called back in tears. And you wonder why she won't look at you in the eye anymore. Damn degenerates.

In a small spurt of honesty, I'm going to tell you this: I didn't plan on blagging about this up until this point. Magueijo was a mild irritant. But then he starts hitting you with the most fucking retarded analogies ever.

While explaining his revolutionary theory (and at the same time superimposing words like "maverick," "rebel," and, oh yes, "bad boy of cosmology." Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Did you watch this before letting it on the air? Do you know other people watch this? It wasn't made just so you could masturbate to it at night, dipshit.), Magueijo hits you in the jaw with, "holy shit!1!!one!1 the speed of light is variable"

That I can agree with. That I don't see as being completely out of the question. In the realm of theorical physics, pretty much everything is fair game. It's the analogy he uses to explain it that makes him a fucking retard (incidentally, mainstream scientist had also referred to him as a "moron," rather unsurprising, really).

He sets the stage with greyhound races. He makes the "maximum speed of the dog" analogous to the "maximum speed of light" as set by scientists (while ignoring that every dog has different qualities that would affect its speed). However, to say that the speed of light can actually transcend its current maximum speed, he gives a dog a fucking rocket-pack.

I'm not fucking joking.

I wish I was. I really, really do. But no, Magueijo referred to it as a jet-propelled "superdog." Alright, all we have to do now is attach a rocket to a photon, and then ride it while giving scientists the finger. Brilliant!

Moron.