I'm not really a big stickler for clothes. Most of the time, I couldn't care less about the clothes I wear as long as they're clean and I'm not being a fucking walking advertisement.
However, there are some articles of clothing that are definitely more badass than others. Since it's prom time, I decided to get something to look all fly and shit. Since I already have a pimptastic fedora, I scoured the interblag for a zoot suit.
Unfortunately, most zoot suit retailers have sites that can be succintly described as utter shit. Maybe I'm just intolerant, but seeing shitty jpegs of men in zoot suits just pisses me off. The image quality is shit. I'm trying to look at the suit, but all I see is the aura of pixel bullshit around it.
Anyways. Even though the zoot suit is indeed an awesome work of art, it is not impervious to fucking retards. I say this because some of the suits also look like utter shit. I particularly hate the ones with the skinny white guy who has a such a baggy suit that he could be flown as a hot balloon, and the suit has VERY prominent stripes. It just looks like shit. Period.
Also, this suit baffled me. It doesn't even look like it goes together. It's part lime green, part khaki, and all ugly. Who the fuck designed this? The suit color is described as "mint," which is going to be required to mask the odor of the projectile vomiting.
I also came across the same suit in different colors. I know that sounds stupid, but continue reading, jackass. It had the same model, doing the same pose. Being the super sleuth I am, I started getting suspicious and deduced it was just copy+paste and some photoshop color-altering. Also, I figured it out before I arrived at this picture:
I know these people work at fashion and shit, but if you're gonna use a computer, learn how to fucking use it in the first place, you knuckle-dragging mouthbreathers. Seriously.
Actually, after seeing the picture that's coming up next, I would settle for people who know something about composition. Watch and be amazed as a website attempts to sell you a suit with the handsome model, Shoeface Man.
Shopping on the Internet blows.
April 9, 2008
Apparel and why the clothing industry sucks
April 6, 2008
Templates
I decided to change the look of the blag, mostly because I felt bored with the simple blue. Unfortunately, Blogspot provides few templates, and quite honestly, most of them are shit.
Okay, only a couple of them are utter shit, but the vast majority isn't geared towards my style (awesome asskickery) as it is towards douchebags (bright colors, girly swirls, and lots of circles because sharp objects are mean). There are only a couple good ones, but they don't go with the feel of the blag or they are too simple to the point of being ugly.
So I was stuck with a couple of choices.
A. I could forget about it, suck it up, and keep the current template.
B. I could suck it up and pick another template from Blogspot.
C. I could give the finger to Blogspot, head out into the Interwebs, and look for a template.
D. I could make my own template.
Seeing as how I'm a dick and also a lazy bastard, only option C made sense.
Turns out, that may not have been the best idea. Apparently, the Interweb, much like Blogspot, caters to the douchebag in all of us. I found templates dealing with too specific subjects, like horses, cars, butterflies, flowers, rain, computers, videogame consoles, Constantinople... I even found one with an apple. Just an random fucking apple out of nowhere. I know when people design these templates they are being "artsy" and "creative," but when people actually use these things they come off as "douchebags" and "pricks." Some might say "fucking fairies," but I'm not a mean person, you fucking fairies.
There were also several templates that deviated from the tried and true formula of two/three colums for posts/archives/about. They advertised their templates as being "new" and "reinvented." Reinvented is apparently designer-speak for "barely functional." I couldn't find a fucking thing. Sometimes, the archives were at the fucking bottom of the page, where it least made sense. "Hey, I need to find a single post, but I can't find the archives! Goddamnit, I'll just look manually... What the fuck? The archives are the very bottom of the page. Thanks, assholes."
Apart from being utter shit in the practical realm, they're also not very aesthetically pleasing (they also look like shit, making them the proverbial Wildebeast: ugly outside and inside).
There were a few clever ones, like the one that imitated the look of the iPhone. I thought about picking it up, but I decided not to because I don't really describe myself as a "pompous ass."
And of course, there were templates dedicated to the emos. The vast majority is probably crying on their LiveJournals, MySpace, or Xanga, but there are bound to be some that are in Blogspot. Those crybaby bastards. Anyways, the templates featured the always popular guy (or girl, I can't fucking tell) with long emo hair doing a pistol with his (her?) hand to his temple, a picture of the full moon for the vampire emo prick subspecies, and titles such as "Lonelyness" and "Nobody Loves Me," which isn't all that surprising seeing as how everybody hates emos. Hey idiots, nobody likes you because you are emo. What you're doing is referred to in the latest scientific research as a "self-fulfilling prophecy" and also "fucking gay."
However, this was by far the most unsettling of the templates I saw. (I don't have a bigger image, thank whatever god you believe in)
Seriously, who the fuck would use that!? And it actually had like 82 downloads. Protip to everyone who downloaded that: Just go ahead and register yourselves as sex offenders before anything happens.
Also, wear some article of clothing that distinguishes you, so that I can throw heavy objects at you because you're not people (fucking fairies).
April 4, 2008
Charlie Chaplin is the most sexually ambiguous man to exist. Ever.
I'm not fucking kidding. He outdoes the likes of Ben Affleck, hermaphrodites, and post-op gender hoppers with unreal flamboyance. Okay, I could actually just be here and rant on and on, and pretty much convince any reader, but I actually have proof. Yes, I went and FUCKING LOOKED UP a video just to make my point. This is what I do for you bastards.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QY1VpJOhVg&feature=related
Go to 5:55. I'll wait.
...
All done? Say it with me: "What the fuck did I just see?"
It doesn't matter what the fuck he did before with his life. It doesn't matter what he did after this movie. All that matters is that Charlie Chaplin is the devil. Need more convincing? Alright.
(Jews might want to avert their eyes)
That decides it. Hitler imitated Chaplin, therefore Chaplin must be the devil. QED.