People need to learn how to fucking Google

Seriously. Apparently there are still mouthbreathers out there who can't type in a simple search string for Google to return what you want to see. Sure, there's some ambiguity sometimes, but there's also downright stupid assfuckery.

Here are some example's, complete with spelling errors.

"amazing deer kill"

Seriously, what the fuck? Who the fuck searches for this shit? Who the fuck would UPLOAD this shit? Fucking amazing.

"anerexic"
"anerexiody"
"anerexody"

Researchers suspect that after failing to find her desired webpage, this girl killed herself. If only she had learned to spell.

Or, oh, I don't know, USED THE FUCKING GOOGLE FUNCTION WHICH CORRECTS YOUR DUMB ASS?

Did you mean: anorexic?

Jesus christ.

"killswtch ingaged"

What the fuck is wrong with people?

"____'s mom's ass"

I'm assuming this was a joke made in front of the person whose mother was subject of this search string... But it's still fucking retarded, you cellulite-loving assfucks.

"poop"

We are clearly dealing with intellectually advanced beings.

"sweet hunting kills"

Apparently our resident redneck had a thought. "AW SHIIT! SWEET HUNTING KILLS OUGHTA WERK THO!"

What's really fucking baffling is that this fuckface thinks he can get the results he wants by changing "amazing" to "sweet." Yes, the whole fucking internet uses the same goddamn adjectives as you, and Google is your damned nanny.

"u tube"

A tube for the lazy motherfucker.

"yahoo.com"

The really baffling thing here is that this person went to Google and typed this when he could've just ENTERED IT INTO THE FUCKING ADDRESS BAR.

"awesome deer kills"

I shit you not, this was from another fucking computer. I swear on all that's holy (attractive women) that this was on another fucking computer. How does this idiot remember how to breathe? Hey, buddy, if you read this, here's a tip. Whoever is big enough of an idiot to intend to go hunting, film it, and then upload the video to the internet is probably too much of a fat moron to know how to use the internet. Save yourself some damned time.

"movies with bunnies"

Quite descriptive; I bet Google returns just what you wanted.

"synonym fir the pentateuch"
"synonym for the pentateuch"
"synonym for the pentateuch the jewish law"

The sad thing is, this person never even fucking considered going to Wikipedia and looking it up. Or, you know, recognizing that looking for the synonym is a fucking retarded idea. Adding more words doesn't fucking help, idiot.

"i hate my boy"
"i hate my body"

That's funny, I hate your body too.

"sldlajfjas"

Somebody was apparently fucking the keyboards again.


I'm going to go do something less painful now, like slamming the door on my dick.

New rules

Go check out 14 and 15, you silly bitches.

Reasons

There are only few good reasons for which to do something. These are the top three.


1. Irony.
2. Spite.
3. Poetic Justice.

Zacura and the Third Most Epic Sketch Night

To first understand this, you must know about the game Pictionary. Basically, you draw a word/phrase/concept given to you and others have to guess it. There is an online version of this, which provides lots of immature fun for us who like to draw penises on each one of our pictures.

But this site and its primary function are just the background. The place where things really happen is the non-drawing social rooms.

Most of these are populated by mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, stereotype-following morons. Also, pedophiles. And furries. Lots of them.

Seriously, a vast majority of the chatrooms have titles like "emo, goth, punk, sk8er ONLY," "lesbian grls only," "Masturbating room," "yng grls 4 older guys," and "the wolf room." You also get the occassional room full of Narutards. Needless to say, I am now on medication to lower my fucking blood pressure.

The beauty of all this is the same as its curse. Think about it, it's a fucking congregation of idiots, furries, and pedophiles. They call to me.

Idiots> plz coem kill us wit our own face lol
NeoAegis> ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?

I'm just too happy to oblige.

Now the most epic night involved the pedophile Jake. It was also the night when me and my friend, Golden_God, made our bones in this place and became a terror. The second most epic night was with the functionally super retarded iMFABULOUS. This girl had the mental prowess of a bag of hammers, which is funny because I'd like to smash her face with such bag.

These are stories for other times, though. Today's story is the Third Most Epic night.

The night started innocuously enough. Golden_God and I were simply playing Pictionary and sketching. At around midnight, we headed to the social chatrooms to prey upon the stupid.

Important note, though. Ever since the First and Second Epic nights, the place had changed a bit. People were a lot quicker about kicking you out of their rooms. Even for doing not a fucking thing. This, of course, is always an impediment to having epic nights. One can only have so much fun messing with idiots when they are being kicked out all the time. But sometimes, a person so damned stupid that they can't kick us fast enough, can't figure out HOW to kick us, or just downright has no idea that they can leave the fucking room themselves comes along.

We started by harrassing JakeTheSkank (No relation to the actual Jake, but still funny to us). We got bored pretty quickly, so we switched gears. We went into rooms pretending to be doctors and talking about intellectual topics to throw these wankers off.

Dr.Bubblegum> Would any of you gents like to discuss the finer points of cosmology?
Dr_Pepper> Bubblegum, I see you are still concerning yourself with childish science.

Eventually we came to a room doing this schtick.

Virtually everyone left. I guess science wins in the end.

Then someone came in. Someone so wonderfully retarded.

Zacura> hi

The night became fucking surreal. This "girl" was apparently sixteen and VERY needy. For the internet retarded, people have cybersex. No, I'm not kidding. And she wanted some.

Zacura> threesome?

That's not the surreal part though. We started calling her every name in the book, and she kept coming back for more. Here are some examples of some exchanges that took place during the night.

*Dr_Pepper slaps Zacura
Dr_Pepper> WHERE'S MY SANDWICH, BITCH?
Dr_Pepper> I COME HOME AT THE END OF THE DAY AND THE HOUSE IS A FUCKING MESS
Dr_Pepper> YOU SPENT ALL GODDAMN DAY EATING CHIPS THAT FELL ON YOU WHILE WATCHING TV AND MASTURBATING, DIDN'T YOU?
Dr.Bubblegum> Why is my fucking shirt not ironed, you stupid slut?
Zacura> sorry!
*Zacura makes sandwich
*Zacura irons shirt
*Zacura cleans up mess

Zacura> sex?
Dr_Pepper> Shut the fuck up.
*Zacura shuts up
Dr_Pepper> Good.
*Dr_Pepper throws a dog treat
*Zacura eats treat
Dr_Pepper> Now sit if you want another one
*Zacura sits
Dr_Pepper> Now lay.
*Zacura wags... her ass
*Zacura lays
Dr_Pepper> Now solve this quadratic equation.
Zacura> ok =)
Dr_Pepper> WRONG BITCH!
*Dr_Pepper slaps Zacura

Zacura> how old r u guys?
Dr.Bubblegum> I'm ten. I'm just such a fucking genius that I've already got my doctorate.
Zacura> oh... nvm then
Dr.Bubblegum> Subject is apparently unable to detect thinly veiled sarcasm. She might be functionally retarded.

Zacura> im smart!
Zacura> just not at 2am
Dr_Pepper> You aren't, you stupid slut.
Dr_Pepper> You can't even fucking type out "I'm" or "I am."
God> Dealt. (I had logged in as God for a second)

And she still kept asking for sex! What the fuck!?

At one point in the night, Zacura whispered to Dr_Pepper. This was a golden exchange.

Zacura> r u male?
Dr_Pepper> Yes
Zacura> r u past puberty?
Dr_Pepper> Yes
Zacura> then y arent u horny?

After a while, people started coming into the room. Among them, Jesus, FSMPreacher, and other unimportant people.

God> Jesus, go back to your room. Now.
Jesus> =(
God> I said now, mister.

FSMPreacher> I am here to spread the word about the Flying Spaguetti Monster.
God> You're here to spread baloney. Goin' to hell, bitch.

FSM left eventually, so we had to gently bring back Zacura back into the conversation.

Dr_Pepper> WAKE UP BITCH!
Ken enters the room
Dr.Bubblegum> Growl at Ken, bitch.
Zacura> grrrr
Dr_Pepper> LOUDER.
Zacura> GRRRRR
Dr_Pepper> I can't fucking hear you.
Ken left the room
Dr.Bubblegum> Hahah, fucking loser.

By this time, my friend had made another alias, ManlyMan. He was trying to bait her into sex, and then dropping her like the whorebag she was just before.

Somewhere, though, she just fucking snapped.

Zacura> fuck you guys
Zacura> manlyman is the only one paying attention to me
Dr.Bubblegum> He thinks you're a whore too, stupid.
ManlyMan> lololol she's an ooooogly bitch
Zacura> what!?
Zacura> ur a douchbag too!

It was getting pretty late, and the bitch was getting mouthy, so we chose to end it. Crush her one last time and leave. This is the only part of the conversation that I took screenies of, so I'll write it down what we said verbatim, with only slight changes to discard unimportant comments.

Dr.Bubblegum> Bitch, make me a sandwich.
Dr.Bubblegum> But first douche so you can get all those nasty irritants out of your vagina.
Dr.Bubblegum> Bitch.
Zacura> MAke ur own damn cum sandwitch
Zacura> yup! u've been eating my cum all day
Zacura> so kiss my ass!
Dr.Bubblegum> Well
Dr.Bubblegum> It'd be the only time in my life I'd be able to say, "I have a mouth full of cellulite."
Dr_Pepper>XD OMFG
Dr_Pepper> *gone*
Dr_Pepper left the game
Dr.Bubblegum> You have failed.
Dr.Bubblegum> By yours truly, slutbag.
Dr.Bubblegum> ;o
Dr.Bubblegum left the game
Zacura> ASSholes
God> GOIN TO HELL, LOLOLOL
Zacura> it's just u
Zacura> idtiot
God> That is not a word.
God> Please check again.
Zacura> ignoring
God> Just like all the men do to you.
God> Because you are fat.
God> Some like to go hoggin' though.
God> IT'S LIKE RIDIN' A MOPED, BITCH
God> VROOOOOOOOOM
Zacura> wtf?
Zacura> i'm not a fat ass old pervy man like u!
Zacura> go waste the rest of ur life eating!
God> ...
God> What the fuck?
God> LMAO
God> As opposed to the rest of humans who don't eat?
God> And spend a very productive ten days and die?
Zacura> KISS MY ASS GAY COCK SUCKING OLD FAGG
Zacura has left the room.
God> High five!
ManlyMan> WIN
God> We should win the Nobel Prize for this.

ManlyMan later whispered her and asked her what her weight was.

She said 140.

He and I concluded that her weight was OVER NINE THOUSANDD!!

The Rules

Rules to live your lives by. They preempt any Bill of Rights, Constitution, or World Law.

1. No fat chicks. No exceptions.
2. You don't necessarily have to be overweight to be fat. Prime example: Oprah at her thinnest was still a fat cow.
3. Everything you say can be used against you by adding "that's what she said" at the end of it.
4. If you're not witty, you don't get to hate anything. Seriously, when you rant about something, you will only sound like a douchebag.
5. A backhand always fixes everything.
6. If you die in Canada, you die in real life.
7. In Canada, milk comes in bags.
8. The pelvic thrust lives forever.
9. If a man likes women, but he has sex with 300 men and doesn't like it, that doesn't make him gay. It makes him a fucking moron.
10. You don't get to make up the rules, bitch.
11. Old people sex is disgusting. Always.
12. A nice rack always helps.
13. The reason it's so hard to meet women is because the cute ones are about as smart as a bag of hammers, and the ones you can carry intelligent conversation with look like goddamned sea donkeys.
14. You smell. Try killing your family.
15. It's not gay unless your balls touch.
16. Success: For somebody to succeed, somebody else has to fail. That someone is probably you.
17. No Enya. Nobody fucking listens to Enya.
18. If it bends all the way, it's probably broken.
19. If it doesn't fit, shove that motherfucker in there.
20. To err is human, but to blame the other person is even more human.
21. I can't be held accountable for my actions if I don't plan them.
22. The Rules always work. If they don't, it's probably because you're doing it wrong.
23. Above all, never break Rules 1 and 11 at the same goddamn time.

Subject to change and revision. But most importantly, addition, motherfuckers.