"Welcome to the movie theater"

Hey, it's been a bit of a hiatus, hasn't it? Well, I've got a neat computer now, so the strike is officially over. I also just got back from seeing Get Smart, which was a pretty good movie, but enough of the trivialties.

I like movies. I'm not a film buff, but I know what I like. I like the theater atmosphere, the dim lights, big screen, decently comfortable seats. I'm fortunately also enough of a egocentric dick to not bother looking around the theater to see all the prepubescent morons making out. It's not that I don't understand the hormonal impulse, but goddamn, dim lights isn't enough to make a theater sexy. What about all the fucking gum and trash on the floor? Come on, people.

Anyways, despite being able to ignore the idiots, there is something that is far more difficult to ignore: the ads.

Why the fuck are there ads in a theater? Don't we get enough of this shit on tv? Radio? On every possible outlet until our brains explode from the sheer volume of trash they are pushing on us?

To be quite frank, I wouldn't nearly mind the ads as much if they were at least entertaining. But they were cliche and unfunny and comparable to a horse's runny shits.

The worst offender was, by far, the cellphone ads. There was one that had the format of a mock movie preview, with some blonde bitch. She was all bitchy because she couldn't figure out what fucking song was playing. She keeps asking all these dipshits what song is currently playing, but they are stuck too far up their own asses to know shit (one even proposed to her; seriously, who would even be able to go out with whoreface without being sucked into her vacuous skull due to pressure difference?).

Finally, she comes across this black guy who has a cellphone with HOLY SHIT MUSIC ID. She figures out the song is by fucking Paramour, and then she re-does all her scenes, except she's dancing like a fucking psycho bitch.

Then there was an ad (again in mock movie preview format because it's so creative and not at all lame) which, quite frankly, earned some points just for being honest. First thing, your balls are treated to superimposed text saying "NO PLOT." No shit? It's a fucking cellphone ad, whatever plot you have can be summed up as "We're greedy assholes." It even announces that it's just some lame product placement. I really wasn't sure if they were making fun of themselves, but I'm going to do it too anyways because they were still pissing me off.

The worst cellphone ad has a bunch of dipshits that walk around in an "everyday" setting using all the "neat" and "innovative" features of their cellphones. They show off a bunch of shit, most of which I can't be bothered to remember. However, I remember one being some dipshit watching a movie on his cellphone, which is fucking ridiculous, because who wants to watch a movie in teeny-weeny eye-strain-o vision. Whatever, that wasn't the bad part of the ad, despite how irritating it is by itself. No, the real clincher here is when, just after that ad, they replay basically the same thing, except without all the bullshit. They go through all the features of the fucking phone in the same fucking order like their target demographic is a bunch of mouthbreathing morons who can't remember what happened just one fucking minute ago. Fucking incredible.

I'm going to stop now because I think I'm having an aneurysm.