Primer for the Epic Nights

I don't feel like writing the second Epic Night at the moment, however, I figure I should probably update, so I'm going to post random snippets of conversation that happened during the summer the Epic Nights took place. They will be mostly derived from second-hand conversations, but they will keep their punch, I promise.

Case #1: Once, I was waiting for Golden_God to show up for a long time while I was in a room with several other retards. If I recall correctly, we had stumbled upon these retards before, and thus I approached them by using a different alias, Randomdude01. I had baited them into being friendly with me, though at a price: I was dying. These people were fucking retarded. I held back every comment and replaced it with innoucuous lols, yeahs, and omgs.

Understandably, I scrubbed myself like a rape victim afterwards.

At any rate, Golden_God made it after a while, and I just had to sit back and watch the show. After being insulted for a while, they privatized the room, which made my role all the more important: I had to keep inviting him back to keep up the good times.

I should probably break down the psyches of our targets now.

The first target was XemoxloveX. Our first encounter with her (I think) was when we called her fat. I wish I could expand, but it's not going to be possible without ruining how perfect the first Epic Night was. And, since it is not the crux of this case, I can let the fat jokes rest. However, given the context of our insults, this was a precious little gem (keep in mind that she doesn't know I called her fat earlier):

xemoxlovex will brb... shes hungry

The other one was KeyJenCool, the kind of douche that says something that nobody thinks is funny and then laughs at his own joke. I hate those kind of people. The kind that punctuate every bit of repartee with lol or lmao.

KeyJenCool: lmao
KeyJenCool: i crack myself up

There's going to be cracking alright.

Above: KeyJenCool's skull. Not pictured: violent murder

The worst part was when, in the middle of being insulted, KJC came up with the worst fucking insult ever.

KeyJenCool: ur brain is skinny

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

Tell me now. What the fuck does it mean to have a skinny brain? The worst part was that, being the douchebag this guy is, he kept praising himself for letting this abortion of a phrase escape into the airwaves. That's aural pollution, you fucking jerk.

Remember how I said I had to keep inviting Golden_God back? They still had not realized it was me (dumbasses). After "skinny brain," we decided to make our exit; partly because they weren't fun anymore, and partly because holy shit, they are fucking stupid.

We decided to let them in on the joke.

Randomdude01: Wow guys. You really are all pathetic. So stupid in fact, I've been inviting him this entire time. Way to go, morons. P.S. Emo is fat. Seriously.
Randomdude01: Also, KayJenCool, quit laughing at the most retarded shit. Skinny brain? What, did you have a lobotomy? Fucking incredible.
KeyJenCool: ...
xemoxlovex: what the crap!?

Then I got kicked.

Case #2: The setting is a random room.

Golden_God: Quit this circlejerk right now.
DumbBitch: WTF U MAKE NO SENSE
Golden_God: Sigh, this room is just a bunch of kids saying "lol no u"
DumbBitch: what? lol no u?
*long pause*
DumbBitch: what does that mean?
Golden_God: It means you are ignorant.
DumbBitch: I dont have ignorange.

I don't know whether I prefer to think of it as the retarded cousin of the orange or as a technical term to describe the range of stupidity someone possesses. Drop me a line, and tell me whether we should add it to the lexicon.

Case #3: I went into a room as Pokeman. It was for a brief period of time, so when I left, I left the inhabitants with this:

Pokeman: Sorry, kids, I have to jet.
Pokeman: But don't worry. To summon me, all you have to do is recite the Pokerap.
Pokeman left the game.

Case #4: This is verbatim.

PunksxPain: yeha...
NeoAegis: Seriously, learn to say something constructive or just shut up.
emo.person: i belive ur fucking stupid too
NeoAegis: None of this "uhhh ummmm liek lol" shit.
emo.person: that was construsatives
emo.person: how do u spell that
NeoAegis: You can't even spell.
NeoAegis: Constructive.
emo.person: contcrauctave
emo.person: wait wha
NeoAegis: ...
emo.person: constructave
PunksxPain: ok...this is akward seriously
emo.person: forget it
NeoAegis: Wow.
emo.person: shut up man
NeoAegis: With the word fucking in front of you...
NeoAegis: You can't spell it.
NeoAegis: End your life now.
emo.person: fcuking
emo.person: damn
emo.person: fuicki
emo.person: fucking

Case #5: There was a room called "lover's room." I noticed there were five people in there, so being the dick that I am...

NeoAegis: Okay, there are five people here.
NeoAegis: That means that this place either has an orgy, a threesome, or there is one very lonely dude.

Everyone laughed and had a good time. I left for half an hour, but I was still bored, so I came back. I pointed out that they still had uneven numbers, and some girl lost her shit and tried to burn me.

newbie-419: ugh ur stupid go away

Being the dick that I am...

NeoAegis: Shut the fuck up, dicklips.

I fired right back. Then a guy started defending her. It was sick; he was defending her solely on the basis that she was a girl. He even said this explicitly.

cDizzle: hey u cant talk to her like that
cDizzle: u should respect girls
NeoAegis: What? You do realize that she tried to flame me in the first place, right?
cDizzle: so? shes still a girl...
NeoAegis: You're a sexist pig, you realize?
NeoAegis: You just happen to be sexist in a manner that is positive to women.

This is the problem with feminism. The basic tenets of feminism I agree with: women are morally and legally equal to men. However, so many women expand into getting extra special rights. You want equality? Done, with pleasure. But don't expect people not to point out your dumb mistakes just because you are a woman.

Case #6: This is just something that is fun to do. When some pervert asks you "asl?" the best response is:

Girl: 17/f/uk u

I'm done for now.

Science! No, wait...

Yes, I know I haven't updated in a while. Things happen. I'll make it up with this and soon the Epic Nights will come. I'll be bending over at the end of the blag so you can kiss my ass, mkay?

So, I thought I'd check out Joao Magueijo's Big Bang show on the Science Channel. Being an amateur logician and scientist, this obviously piqued my interest. I could read about cosmology all day.

This was barely science.

It started off innocuously enough, save for that annoying-as-fuck accent. Blah, blah, blah, start of the universe, big ban- wait. Did he just say the Big Bang explained how the universe came to be? What the fuck am I watching?

No, no, Magueijo. As evidenced by your accent, you don't seem to possess a mastery of the lexicon. Allow me to correct your mistake.

The Big Bang Theory does not explain how the universe came to be. It explains what the big bang is and the events that come afterwards. Science knows and acknowledges that, as of now, it has no meaningful way of measuring what happened before the big bang and what caused it. We know the events that happened afterwards. We cannot answer "how" or "why."

Okay, now that that's cleared up, let's move on.

Now he's talking about proving the Big Bang. This is not unusual in this type of show. The logical thing is to talk about the cosmic background radiation left over from the bang part (that's what she said!). He does so, but in the process, he starts painting himself as the "rogue" of cosmology.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Regardless, what really pisses one off about this scene is that, as he explains his theory, that the WMAP picture of the temperature of the radiant heat left over shows an underlying order, he does not a goddamn thing to explain his theory. The viewer is treated to a graphic of several WMAP-esque pictures being combined and superimposed on each other. And basically Magueijo saying "srsly, guyz!"

Here is where the show takes an unexpected turn. Magueijo starts explaining to the viewer what a "theory" is.

...

If you don't know what a theory is, turn the goddamn tv off and read a fucking book. You have no fucking business watching a science show or anything with a concept more intrinsic than Clifford the Big Red Dog.

The ironic thing is that he himself doesn't seem to realize what a theory is. He states that science is done by observation, yet refers to the "theory of primordial light" in the past tense. Meaning, he thinks it's fact. The same with the Big Bang theory. Were you there to see it, you ignorant twit? No? Then it's still a fucking theory, regardless of how much evidence you gather hinting at it. Gravity is still a theory too. I guess Mr. Magueijo isn't the most cunning linguist.

He proceeds to go down the "lol gheyz i am a rouge!" road again. You can tell because he says things like "Your best ideas don't come to you while on your desk" and "Don't believe what they tell you at school."

Where he came up with his revolutionary theory? In the rain, out in the street, just after getting plastered at a party.

Science called back in tears. And you wonder why she won't look at you in the eye anymore. Damn degenerates.

In a small spurt of honesty, I'm going to tell you this: I didn't plan on blagging about this up until this point. Magueijo was a mild irritant. But then he starts hitting you with the most fucking retarded analogies ever.

While explaining his revolutionary theory (and at the same time superimposing words like "maverick," "rebel," and, oh yes, "bad boy of cosmology." Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Did you watch this before letting it on the air? Do you know other people watch this? It wasn't made just so you could masturbate to it at night, dipshit.), Magueijo hits you in the jaw with, "holy shit!1!!one!1 the speed of light is variable"

That I can agree with. That I don't see as being completely out of the question. In the realm of theorical physics, pretty much everything is fair game. It's the analogy he uses to explain it that makes him a fucking retard (incidentally, mainstream scientist had also referred to him as a "moron," rather unsurprising, really).

He sets the stage with greyhound races. He makes the "maximum speed of the dog" analogous to the "maximum speed of light" as set by scientists (while ignoring that every dog has different qualities that would affect its speed). However, to say that the speed of light can actually transcend its current maximum speed, he gives a dog a fucking rocket-pack.

I'm not fucking joking.

I wish I was. I really, really do. But no, Magueijo referred to it as a jet-propelled "superdog." Alright, all we have to do now is attach a rocket to a photon, and then ride it while giving scientists the finger. Brilliant!

Moron.