I'm going to try to keep this review somewhat professional, partly because that's how I was thinking about it in my head while watching this train wreck of a movie, and partly because it'll feel more satisfying in the end. Of course, it'll still be entertaining, as that's the main point, but what the hell; it's my blag, and I can do whatever the fuck I want with it. Anyways, without further ado, "The Spirit."
Let's get the good out of the way. The movie has this really neat visual aesthetic. Sure, it has all the noir goodness, and only red really stands out which is pretty pleasing to look at. There's also all these scenes and small objects that are cartoon noir, and they're pretty balls-out pretty to look at. There's certain moments in which the combination of cartoon and real is a bit poorly done, and it's really irritating to see The Spirit run around in Converse All Stars, but all in all, the noir visuals are there.
So let's move onto the plot. There's this guy who is some... thing. He looks human and acts human (stupid jackassery aside), but really, he's a zombie. 
He's obsessed with Samuel L. Jackson's character, "The Octopus," which sounds vaguely sexual throughout the entire movie. Speaking of that, there were racist undertones in the movie. There's the slutty latina, the offensively French belly dancer, and the picture of Adolf fucking Hitler (not actually of a guy named Adolf bumfucking Hitler; I'm just using "fucking" as an interjection you twits). There's something funny about a black man dressed in Nazi clothing, and I get the feeling that this was vaguely satirical. After all, he was also dressed in Japanese clothing (with an offensively Japanese background and action), and also, a pirate. Okay, so maybe I'm reading in to racist undertones here, but can someone fucking explain to me why, during the fight in the mud between The Octopus and The Spirit(not as sexy as one might think), Spirit walks away with a fairly clean face, while Ock ends up with blackface made of mud.
Anyways, The Spirit gets beaten to shit by Ock during one of the most ridiculous fighting sequences ever. This is what my main problem is with this movie. If you told me I had to choose a single word to describe this movie, I'd have to go with schizophrenic. The movie can't decide if it wants to be a noir film or a comedy. One moment The Spirit is pounding the living Jesus out of Octopus, and the next moment, Ock hits the fucker with a bloody toilet, whilst spewing this gold mine: "Hey, toilets are always funny."
The change between serious film noir and slapstick comedy continues throughout the entire fucking movie. Some of the slapstick is actually pretty chuckle-worthy, like when a robber runs facefirst into a fistful of Spirit knuckle. It was like he opened a present two days before Christmas because he's a greedy cock, and instead of getting loot, he was severely mauled by a fist made of bears. Another funny moment is when Octopus makes a bad guy that is basically a foot with a face. It's really weird and really creepy, but it's so goddamn ridiculous, you have to laugh, perhaps to prevent from crying.
The downside is that the slapstick makes you unable to take the rest of the movie seriously. I went into the movie theater expecting some noir goodness, and was given a slapstick shitpie. I thought to myself, "Well, okay, it's a pie made of shit, but it's still pie. Maybe if I try it, it won't be so bad." So I did, I tried to get into the comedy of it all, but they switch so abruptly back to noir seriousness that after biting into the pie, everything tastes like shit.
So anyways, back to the plot. The Spirit has this romantic interest from way back in the day when maybe things in the city weren't so fucking retarded, and maybe an actual murder happened without involving some flamboyantly dressed dude. So he pawns his bike to get a locket for this chick who is latina and kind of a gold digger. She likes shiny things so the pussy-whipped twit gives away what is probably his only valuable possession. And then she asks if she's his girlfriend now, but the dumb cock doesn't have any balls and denies this apparently ghastly accusation. It's kind of amazing how The Spirit makes the transformation from a pussy to a womanizing dick, but I suppose being a zombie gives you some kind of super-pimping power, you know, along with all the other superhuman bullshit.
So they end up together, then tragically split apart, and I say tragically here in a very loose sense, since they're torn apart by the most stupid bullshit ever (she's a greedy bitch). No, really, she fucking yells at the guy for not being able to buy her diamonds the size of a monkey's ball. Her life goal is seriously to get the Golden Fleece. What the fuck.
So she grows up to be Eva Mendez who is a top-notch thief and regularly enjoys photocopying her ass. She actually indirectly describes it as perfect whilst holding said photocopy, which seems really irrelevant and retarded, so I can only infer that this was merely for the part of the audience that is made up of uncomfortably pre-pubescent boys. And by the way, you actually see Mendez' ass for a split second, which, if I'm correct, a third of the audience would probably have had to excuse themselves to go to the bathroom.
This all builds to a finale in which the hero is uncomfortably close to death (as most movies most have nowadays, because it isn't truly heroic unless you beat a bad guy when you're an inch from death, which, incidentally, if you can do, why not beat the shit out of him when you're fully healthy?). There's a fight with The Spirit and Octopus, involving a grenade that explodes in a really weird manner, and then The Spirit flies away, off to save his city another day. Oh, also, there's a makeout scene that lasts like an entire fucking minute, quite enough to make the audience feel pretty uncomfortable.
That's it. That's the end of the movie. Hero beats bad guy and makes out with girl. Okay, so it's nothing groundbreaking. That's alright; I can't expect every damn movie to be revolutionary, so naturally, the goodness has to be in the execution, which is, unfortunately, a big plate of bullshit and chips.
Like I said, the inconsistency of the movie's tone is pretty jarring, which makes me wonder whether or not it was intended to be satirical. Maybe the movie is making fun of noir films, and I guess that's artsy or something, but I go to the movies to be entertained, and when your message overpowers the entertainment value of the movie, it comes off as pretentious. If that isn't the case, then I guess the director must've taken comedy and noir writers and had them make retard babies in Alabama for their writing team. You know how they say having enough monkeys in a room with typewriters and they'll miraculously type out Shakespeare? This was kind of like that, except with more shit-flinging and pies thrown after Hamlet dies.
The characters are pretty awful, and you're really only inclined to barely like The Spirit and The Octopus. The Spirit, as a womanizing dick, simply oozes charm, and I guess we kind of have to admire the ease with which he can insert his massive erection into every situation without lubricant. Yet he goes into stupid monologues in his head and has a shitty romantic interest. No, wait. He has a legitimate one which he dated before he became The Spirit and is all kinds of good to him now even though she doesn't know who he is, but he's too much of a cock-driven moron to actually do anything. Not that she'd be much better than the gold-digging whore; either way you end up with a bland stereotype. I can kind of see why he would objectify them all.
The Octopus, on the other hand, is all kinds of insane. It's like someone told Samuel L. Jackson to play Octopus like Jim Carrey except blacker and more batshit loony. He has this obsessive hatred of eggs, dresses like a Nazi, a pirate, and a Japanese warrior, and melts a fucking kitten (for some reason, only the eyes are left, which I guess they're there as comedy because it doesn't seem like that serious a threat when two googly eyes are looking right at you).
So to conclude, it's a nice to look at, but don't look too long, or you might find that the originally pleasing apple is rotting and has some mutated AIDS that makes your dick fall off. The plot is old and poorly executed; the characters are bland and boring or completely batshit insane. I can't recall a musical score for the life of me, except for the music that pops up whenever the chest containing the Golden Fleece is opened. I guess they cocked that up and got the Musical Fleece instead or some bullshit. The dialogue is also pretty poor, with some particularly awful moments during which I actually considered exiting the theater and cockslapping the manager for letting this pollution out into the airwaves. It's a pretty awful movie, and only worth seeing if you're in an empty theater with your buddies to laugh obnoxiously at how bad it is.
January 4, 2009
A Review of "The Spirit"
August 23, 2008
Holy shit, the damn slacker is posting something!
If you thought that, fuck you too. I just moved into my dorm a week ago, and the week has been so thoroughly scheduled, I'm surprised I haven't seen this on it:
Friday, 11:15 - Pour liquid happiness into shot glass
Friday, 11:16 - Drink the shot
Friday, 11:20 - Drink second shot of the night
Friday, 11:25 - Drink third shot, making a remark that it "isn't strong enough for you"
Friday, 11:28 - After being convinced by friends and sheer bravado, down shots 4-afuckton in quick succession
Friday, 11:29 - Expel liquid happiness in the form of violent projectile vomiting.
Friday, 11:40 - Apologize to trashcan.
No, really, this shit is insane. There's like 10 minute breaks in between bullshit, but I've avoided some of it. Like the First Year Convocation. Which, incidentally, sounds kind of mandatory, but how the fuck would I know? I wasn't there.
So, I'm going to keep this update a bit short (Yeah right) because there's other things to do. But I will nonetheless provide with a short version of funny things that have happened this week.
Monday evening picnic.
Holy fucking shit. I sat around with some of the dullest people ever. It was fucking uncanny. I tried pushing conversation a couple of times (and, to the credit of some of the people who subsequently joined us, so did they), but holy damn. After a while of awkward, uncomfortable silence, I piped in with my lighthearted, superfungoodtimes humor.
NeoAegis> So... how 'bout dem apples?
DullestIdiotEver> Uhh... there aren't any apples here...
NeoAegis> (under my breath) Holy fucking shit, I want to throttle you.
How fucking stupid does someone have to be to not notice the BLATANT sarcasm? Does he think I have no eyes or such shitty observational skills that I can't fucking tell there aren't any fucking apples in the vicinity? Dear christ.
Thursday information session.
The guys in charge of the information session look sullen and as if they have a better place to be. Not a single person out of the the 10 or so people smile. Not for a second. Just no.
Here's the kicker: the information session? It was about student involvement.
Thursday Tour.
NeoAegis is like a kid in a candy store when touring the physics lab, makes a quip about picking up chicks with the physics demonstrations. People take it seriously, I rue humanity.
Friday "comedian."
Oh. My. God.
The guy was the most offensive, tasteless, borderline racist douchebag. This is coming from a guy whose jokes are tasteless, offensive, and sometimes racist.
I... I really just can't qualify my statement properly because my mind is trying so very hard to block out all memory of those misspent hours. Suffice it to say that, even disregarding all the tasteless, offensive stuff, he sucked just from sheer principle. I know it's okay for comedians to draw a joke from way back when they started their act, but this guy used the same joke twice in a span of five minutes. Not even a permutation of it; it was essentially the same thing. Verbatim. How badly can you suck at your job?
This is it for now, tune in again when I give a shit.
June 22, 2008
Stupidity on cable 1
Everyone knows there are stupid things on Tv. I mean, look at Jackass, or any "reality" tv show. Who the fuck wants to watch reality tv anyways? You can go outside and actually experience reality, and one that, quite frankly, has a bigger probability of being entertaining. If you're one of the people who has to live vicariously through reality tv, you're probably better off killing yourself. Or at the very least cut off your testicles so there's no chance of your boring, stupid spawn plaguing the earth.
Speaking of the Earth, some dipshit scientist was talking about it the other day in some discovery channel. Can't be arsed to remember which one. Anyways, Dipshit Scientist was talking about that comic idea of being able to dig a hole and popping out of the ground in China. He was saying all these things about how cool that would be, and how great a method of transport it would be since you'd spend no energy in getting to the other side of the Earth, just let gravity take care of it!
What?
I understand he's talking about this fancifully, but that's a fucking retarded idea because, even if the trans-earth hole was feasible, it wouldn't work like that. Gravity would indeed help as you're falling, but then you would fucking stop when you reached the center of the earth. Then gravity would be a hindrance, and your idea just looks a hell of a lot more stupid. And then you need to actually spend energy be to able to beat gravity and make it to the other side, unless of course you enjoy spending the rest of your days in the Earth's molten core. Dipshits.
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The other night I was watching tv late at night. Whoever watches tv into one in the morning or so knows that you start seeing all these ads as you're slowly inching towards informercial time. You see all these commercials for talking to women, talking to men, making your unit bigger, etcetera.
This one commercial featured some stupid slut talking about testosterone and male performance in bed. Then, a graph was superimposed which was supposed to show how lower testosterone meant lower performance in bed. Unfortunately, their graphics guys can't tell Photoshop from their asshole and mucked up the graph. It was a simple inversely proportional graph, and they had the decreasing area marked as "Testosterone" while the "blank" area that got bigger was marked "Performance." I know what they were trying to say, but it is still a fucking stupid mistake to make. Way to go, morons.
June 20, 2008
"Welcome to the movie theater"
Hey, it's been a bit of a hiatus, hasn't it? Well, I've got a neat computer now, so the strike is officially over. I also just got back from seeing Get Smart, which was a pretty good movie, but enough of the trivialties.
I like movies. I'm not a film buff, but I know what I like. I like the theater atmosphere, the dim lights, big screen, decently comfortable seats. I'm fortunately also enough of a egocentric dick to not bother looking around the theater to see all the prepubescent morons making out. It's not that I don't understand the hormonal impulse, but goddamn, dim lights isn't enough to make a theater sexy. What about all the fucking gum and trash on the floor? Come on, people.
Anyways, despite being able to ignore the idiots, there is something that is far more difficult to ignore: the ads.
Why the fuck are there ads in a theater? Don't we get enough of this shit on tv? Radio? On every possible outlet until our brains explode from the sheer volume of trash they are pushing on us?
To be quite frank, I wouldn't nearly mind the ads as much if they were at least entertaining. But they were cliche and unfunny and comparable to a horse's runny shits.
The worst offender was, by far, the cellphone ads. There was one that had the format of a mock movie preview, with some blonde bitch. She was all bitchy because she couldn't figure out what fucking song was playing. She keeps asking all these dipshits what song is currently playing, but they are stuck too far up their own asses to know shit (one even proposed to her; seriously, who would even be able to go out with whoreface without being sucked into her vacuous skull due to pressure difference?).
Finally, she comes across this black guy who has a cellphone with HOLY SHIT MUSIC ID. She figures out the song is by fucking Paramour, and then she re-does all her scenes, except she's dancing like a fucking psycho bitch.
Then there was an ad (again in mock movie preview format because it's so creative and not at all lame) which, quite frankly, earned some points just for being honest. First thing, your balls are treated to superimposed text saying "NO PLOT." No shit? It's a fucking cellphone ad, whatever plot you have can be summed up as "We're greedy assholes." It even announces that it's just some lame product placement. I really wasn't sure if they were making fun of themselves, but I'm going to do it too anyways because they were still pissing me off.
The worst cellphone ad has a bunch of dipshits that walk around in an "everyday" setting using all the "neat" and "innovative" features of their cellphones. They show off a bunch of shit, most of which I can't be bothered to remember. However, I remember one being some dipshit watching a movie on his cellphone, which is fucking ridiculous, because who wants to watch a movie in teeny-weeny eye-strain-o vision. Whatever, that wasn't the bad part of the ad, despite how irritating it is by itself. No, the real clincher here is when, just after that ad, they replay basically the same thing, except without all the bullshit. They go through all the features of the fucking phone in the same fucking order like their target demographic is a bunch of mouthbreathing morons who can't remember what happened just one fucking minute ago. Fucking incredible.
I'm going to stop now because I think I'm having an aneurysm.
June 15, 2008
May 22, 2008
Primer for the Epic Nights
I don't feel like writing the second Epic Night at the moment, however, I figure I should probably update, so I'm going to post random snippets of conversation that happened during the summer the Epic Nights took place. They will be mostly derived from second-hand conversations, but they will keep their punch, I promise.
Case #1: Once, I was waiting for Golden_God to show up for a long time while I was in a room with several other retards. If I recall correctly, we had stumbled upon these retards before, and thus I approached them by using a different alias, Randomdude01. I had baited them into being friendly with me, though at a price: I was dying. These people were fucking retarded. I held back every comment and replaced it with innoucuous lols, yeahs, and omgs.
Understandably, I scrubbed myself like a rape victim afterwards.
At any rate, Golden_God made it after a while, and I just had to sit back and watch the show. After being insulted for a while, they privatized the room, which made my role all the more important: I had to keep inviting him back to keep up the good times.
I should probably break down the psyches of our targets now.
The first target was XemoxloveX. Our first encounter with her (I think) was when we called her fat. I wish I could expand, but it's not going to be possible without ruining how perfect the first Epic Night was. And, since it is not the crux of this case, I can let the fat jokes rest. However, given the context of our insults, this was a precious little gem (keep in mind that she doesn't know I called her fat earlier):
xemoxlovex will brb... shes hungry
The other one was KeyJenCool, the kind of douche that says something that nobody thinks is funny and then laughs at his own joke. I hate those kind of people. The kind that punctuate every bit of repartee with lol or lmao.
KeyJenCool: lmao
KeyJenCool: i crack myself up
There's going to be cracking alright.
The worst part was when, in the middle of being insulted, KJC came up with the worst fucking insult ever.
KeyJenCool: ur brain is skinny
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?
Tell me now. What the fuck does it mean to have a skinny brain? The worst part was that, being the douchebag this guy is, he kept praising himself for letting this abortion of a phrase escape into the airwaves. That's aural pollution, you fucking jerk.
Remember how I said I had to keep inviting Golden_God back? They still had not realized it was me (dumbasses). After "skinny brain," we decided to make our exit; partly because they weren't fun anymore, and partly because holy shit, they are fucking stupid.
We decided to let them in on the joke.
Randomdude01: Wow guys. You really are all pathetic. So stupid in fact, I've been inviting him this entire time. Way to go, morons. P.S. Emo is fat. Seriously.
Randomdude01: Also, KayJenCool, quit laughing at the most retarded shit. Skinny brain? What, did you have a lobotomy? Fucking incredible.
KeyJenCool: ...
xemoxlovex: what the crap!?
Then I got kicked.
Case #2: The setting is a random room.
Golden_God: Quit this circlejerk right now.
DumbBitch: WTF U MAKE NO SENSE
Golden_God: Sigh, this room is just a bunch of kids saying "lol no u"
DumbBitch: what? lol no u?
*long pause*
DumbBitch: what does that mean?
Golden_God: It means you are ignorant.
DumbBitch: I dont have ignorange.
I don't know whether I prefer to think of it as the retarded cousin of the orange or as a technical term to describe the range of stupidity someone possesses. Drop me a line, and tell me whether we should add it to the lexicon.
Case #3: I went into a room as Pokeman. It was for a brief period of time, so when I left, I left the inhabitants with this:
Pokeman: Sorry, kids, I have to jet.
Pokeman: But don't worry. To summon me, all you have to do is recite the Pokerap.
Pokeman left the game.
Case #4: This is verbatim.
PunksxPain: yeha...
NeoAegis: Seriously, learn to say something constructive or just shut up.
emo.person: i belive ur fucking stupid too
NeoAegis: None of this "uhhh ummmm liek lol" shit.
emo.person: that was construsatives
emo.person: how do u spell that
NeoAegis: You can't even spell.
NeoAegis: Constructive.
emo.person: contcrauctave
emo.person: wait wha
NeoAegis: ...
emo.person: constructave
PunksxPain: ok...this is akward seriously
emo.person: forget it
NeoAegis: Wow.
emo.person: shut up man
NeoAegis: With the word fucking in front of you...
NeoAegis: You can't spell it.
NeoAegis: End your life now.
emo.person: fcuking
emo.person: damn
emo.person: fuicki
emo.person: fucking
Case #5: There was a room called "lover's room." I noticed there were five people in there, so being the dick that I am...
NeoAegis: Okay, there are five people here.
NeoAegis: That means that this place either has an orgy, a threesome, or there is one very lonely dude.
Everyone laughed and had a good time. I left for half an hour, but I was still bored, so I came back. I pointed out that they still had uneven numbers, and some girl lost her shit and tried to burn me.
newbie-419: ugh ur stupid go away
Being the dick that I am...
NeoAegis: Shut the fuck up, dicklips.
I fired right back. Then a guy started defending her. It was sick; he was defending her solely on the basis that she was a girl. He even said this explicitly.
cDizzle: hey u cant talk to her like that
cDizzle: u should respect girls
NeoAegis: What? You do realize that she tried to flame me in the first place, right?
cDizzle: so? shes still a girl...
NeoAegis: You're a sexist pig, you realize?
NeoAegis: You just happen to be sexist in a manner that is positive to women.
This is the problem with feminism. The basic tenets of feminism I agree with: women are morally and legally equal to men. However, so many women expand into getting extra special rights. You want equality? Done, with pleasure. But don't expect people not to point out your dumb mistakes just because you are a woman.
Case #6: This is just something that is fun to do. When some pervert asks you "asl?" the best response is:
Girl: 17/f/uk u
I'm done for now.
May 13, 2008
Science! No, wait...
Yes, I know I haven't updated in a while. Things happen. I'll make it up with this and soon the Epic Nights will come. I'll be bending over at the end of the blag so you can kiss my ass, mkay?
So, I thought I'd check out Joao Magueijo's Big Bang show on the Science Channel. Being an amateur logician and scientist, this obviously piqued my interest. I could read about cosmology all day.
This was barely science.
It started off innocuously enough, save for that annoying-as-fuck accent. Blah, blah, blah, start of the universe, big ban- wait. Did he just say the Big Bang explained how the universe came to be? What the fuck am I watching?
No, no, Magueijo. As evidenced by your accent, you don't seem to possess a mastery of the lexicon. Allow me to correct your mistake.
The Big Bang Theory does not explain how the universe came to be. It explains what the big bang is and the events that come afterwards. Science knows and acknowledges that, as of now, it has no meaningful way of measuring what happened before the big bang and what caused it. We know the events that happened afterwards. We cannot answer "how" or "why."
Okay, now that that's cleared up, let's move on.
Now he's talking about proving the Big Bang. This is not unusual in this type of show. The logical thing is to talk about the cosmic background radiation left over from the bang part (that's what she said!). He does so, but in the process, he starts painting himself as the "rogue" of cosmology.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Regardless, what really pisses one off about this scene is that, as he explains his theory, that the WMAP picture of the temperature of the radiant heat left over shows an underlying order, he does not a goddamn thing to explain his theory. The viewer is treated to a graphic of several WMAP-esque pictures being combined and superimposed on each other. And basically Magueijo saying "srsly, guyz!"
Here is where the show takes an unexpected turn. Magueijo starts explaining to the viewer what a "theory" is.
...
If you don't know what a theory is, turn the goddamn tv off and read a fucking book. You have no fucking business watching a science show or anything with a concept more intrinsic than Clifford the Big Red Dog.
The ironic thing is that he himself doesn't seem to realize what a theory is. He states that science is done by observation, yet refers to the "theory of primordial light" in the past tense. Meaning, he thinks it's fact. The same with the Big Bang theory. Were you there to see it, you ignorant twit? No? Then it's still a fucking theory, regardless of how much evidence you gather hinting at it. Gravity is still a theory too. I guess Mr. Magueijo isn't the most cunning linguist.
He proceeds to go down the "lol gheyz i am a rouge!" road again. You can tell because he says things like "Your best ideas don't come to you while on your desk" and "Don't believe what they tell you at school."
Where he came up with his revolutionary theory? In the rain, out in the street, just after getting plastered at a party.
Science called back in tears. And you wonder why she won't look at you in the eye anymore. Damn degenerates.
In a small spurt of honesty, I'm going to tell you this: I didn't plan on blagging about this up until this point. Magueijo was a mild irritant. But then he starts hitting you with the most fucking retarded analogies ever.
While explaining his revolutionary theory (and at the same time superimposing words like "maverick," "rebel," and, oh yes, "bad boy of cosmology." Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Did you watch this before letting it on the air? Do you know other people watch this? It wasn't made just so you could masturbate to it at night, dipshit.), Magueijo hits you in the jaw with, "holy shit!1!!one!1 the speed of light is variable"
That I can agree with. That I don't see as being completely out of the question. In the realm of theorical physics, pretty much everything is fair game. It's the analogy he uses to explain it that makes him a fucking retard (incidentally, mainstream scientist had also referred to him as a "moron," rather unsurprising, really).
He sets the stage with greyhound races. He makes the "maximum speed of the dog" analogous to the "maximum speed of light" as set by scientists (while ignoring that every dog has different qualities that would affect its speed). However, to say that the speed of light can actually transcend its current maximum speed, he gives a dog a fucking rocket-pack.
I'm not fucking joking.
I wish I was. I really, really do. But no, Magueijo referred to it as a jet-propelled "superdog." Alright, all we have to do now is attach a rocket to a photon, and then ride it while giving scientists the finger. Brilliant!
Moron.